Walking Dead - Self Help Recap

So guys, this was pretty much a snoozefest of an episode.  Sure, we had the big ‘reveal’ at the end, but if you’re a fan of the comics, or just someone who saw through Eugene’s mullet to his constant line of BS, the most shocking part of this episode was the birth of the term ‘dolphin smooth’. 

In flashbacks interspersed throughout the episode we learned about Abe’s past.  The Basics - He brutally murdered four men who had attacked his family.  By smashing their heads in with canned goods. Um, yeah, Abe is a badass.  His family, however, is not so impressed.  They are truly wigged out by his actions and the next morning he finds them gone.  His wife left a note saying simply, “Don’t try to find us”.  WTF lady?!  In the zombie apocalypse, Abe is the one you WANT to find!  Not the one you want to get away from!  Remember, it’s a whole new world (...cue Aladdin theme song in your head….) and survival is paramount.  Abe is despondent upon finding his family chomped to smithereens just around the corner (they didn’t get far without Abe, duh), and he responds to this horror by putting a loaded gun in his mouth.  Cue Eugene.  But we’ll get to that at the end.

In present time, the church bus travels down the road with Abe at the helm.  Rosita strokes Abe’s hair and they banter about her giving him a trim.  In an effort to be suave, he says, “maybe I’ll let you shave me down all over.  Dolphin smooth.”  Ew. In the back of the bus, where the cool kids sit, Tara ribs Eugene about his own trademark coif.  “The party’s getting a little long in the back.  Or is it your source of power?”  Eugene shrugs off these comments, saying he’s thinking about what Gabriel did.  Ok Eugene, weird thing to be thinking about, but whatever, you’re a weird guy. 

(Side note – By the end of the episode, we all know why Eugene is thinking about Gabriel.  This is a new side of WD, introduction of spineless characters who rely on their wits to survive.  Eugene, Gabriel, and Doc Steve from Slabtown are all men who rarely/never actually get their hands dirty and are basically just surviving by throwing themselves on the mercy of others.  It will be interesting to see how many of these men survive the season.)

A bit further down the road, the bus encounters a few stopped cars in the road.  Abe expertly slaloms around the first car, but then slams into a second car.  The bus flies into the air and lands squarely on its side. First the school bus of deathly ill people at the prison, and now the church bus flips its lid.  Nothing good happens in busses on the Walking Dead. Moral of the story: Stay away from busses in the apocalypse, people.

As the group recovers from the crash, Glenn quickly formulates an exit plan. As the two couples clear a path, Tara will cover Eugene.  Glaggie and Abrosita (Rosabraham?  Their couple name isn’t as clear-cut as Glaggie…) execute the walkers with an almost ballet-like precision.

Tara and Eugene evacuate the bus and Tara takes on a few walkers while Eugene cringes like a brat in the background.  Seriously, Eugene?  Scientist or no scientist, nut up dude.  And he kind of does.  Just as a walker starts to grab Tara from behind, he stabs it in the neck.  Not enough to kill it, but he does buy Tara enough time to take care of it herself.   

Abe barks at the crew, telling them to check Eugene, even though Eugene claims he’s fine.  Abe’s a testy old bulldog in this episode, growling and barking his way to D.C.  They’ve gotta scavenge him up some anti-depressants or something.  Just as Maggie mentions that the First Aid kit is on the bus, it bursts into flames. Womp womp. 

Eugene suggests that they head back to the church because it’s only 15 miles away. Sounds like a good idea, but crazy Abe has other plans.  He’s going forward, at all costs.  Surprisingly, everyone is pretty ok with this.  Maggie even makes a joke.  LOL Mags, life’s totally a blast, especially when pseudo-cops are sexually assaulting your sister; it’s a regular old laugh riot.

The crew finds an abandoned bookstore and goes about making it camp for the evening.  Bonus Points to the whole crew for useful Survival Tips all around.  Tara grabs some water from a toilet tank and goes about boiling it over a small ‘stove’ made of wire hangers and a trash can.  Eugene fashions a lighter out of a small piece of tinfoil and a battery, and Maggie and Rosita remove small lengths of string from a book binding to serve as stitches for Abe’s hand.

Illuminated by a full moon, Abe stands watch.  As Glenn comes to chat with him, a walker smooshes up against the picture window like a toddler at an aquarium.  After the walker passes, the two men have a chat that may have well been a podcast because the scene is so dimly lit I can’t see a damn thing.  Abe shares his basic philosophy with Glenn.  Kill the individuals that threaten you.  And he’s kind of ok with that.  He says, “I want to say it’s never easy, but that’s not the truth.  It’s the easiest thing in the world now.”  Abe has gotten a little too far away from what is ‘acceptable’, even in this world.  In terms of the moral, emotional and societal repercussions of murder he’s definitely a bit further off the reservation than Rick, Michonne, or even Carol. 

Abe’s definitely a man of primal pleasures.  He ends his heart-to-heart with Glenn with a little TMI moment by saying, “I really need some ass.” 

Rosita and Abraham have some sexy fun times in the middle of the bookstore, and we get to see dolphin smooth in action.  Eugene’s mullet peeks out from the self-help section s he spies on them, sort of like a pervy Wilson from Home Improvement.  Rosita giggles as she spots his bobbing head.   The couple keeps at it though because, you know, apocalypse sex. 

Tara catches Eugene peeping, and quietly scolds him.  She thanks him for saving her life, and he responds by telling her that he put crushed glass in the bus’s fuel line because he’s afraid of what’s going to happen when they reach DC and he outlives his usefulness.  Tara is taken aback, but she assures Eugene that the group would protect him no matter what because they’re totally BFF’s now.  She’s actually very sweet and genuine with him during this exchange, and treats him almost like a little brother. 

(Side note – Whoever placed the ‘Romance’ section sign right at Tara’s shoulder during this scene, certainly has a sense of irony and humor.  I giggled a bit because Tara and Eugene have my vote for least romantic relationship on the show hands down.  Not only does Tara like the ladies, but that mullet is definitely a mood killer.)

Maggie and Glenn have a snuggle bunny sesh on the floor of the bookstore.  Maggie says it’s nice having a purpose, looking toward the future.  WHAT ABOUT YOUR SISTERS FUTURE?!?!  Seriously, Maggie, what is your deal?  (Truth time – I’m not even looking forward to their reunion because I know how little Maggie cares about Beth.  I am, however, looking forward to ‘The Adventures of Daryl and Carol’ as they attempt to bust Beth outta Slabtown next week.  That episode looks sick.  #CantWaitForNextWeek)

Thankfully dawn breaks, and everything becomes visible again.  Praise be to Daylight Savings Time!  Rosita and Abe talk, and she tries to convince him to stay for a day, rest and gather supplies.  Abe gives her a harsh and firm ‘no’.  Maggie wanders in and gently makes a suggestion that they stay to sweep the area, but Rosita echoes Abe’s sentiment and says no.  Tara chimes in, noting that they should really replenish their water supply at a nearby river, when Abe reveals that he has other plans.

The crew travels across the street to a fire station.  Tell us what they’ve won, Johnny!!!!!  A lifetime supply of water!!!!  On a gigantic fire truck!  Awesome, but, um, wouldn’t that thing be god awful on gas?  Abe doesn’t care.  He tries the starter and the thing sputters to life.  The truck rolls forward about 10 feet and then chokes to a stop.  As Abe starts to make some repairs, walkers start to stream out of the fire station.  Flesh eating monsters were not a part of the prize package, Johnny.  We demand another spin at the big wheel. 

Our crew starts to take the walkers down, but the unexpected glut of bodies starts to become overwhelming.  It seems hopeless until Eugene puts those big brains of his to work, using the fire hose (and that lifetime supply of water) to blast the walkers away, Wicked Witch of the West style.  They’re mellllting!  Melllting!!!!  

Maybe the Wicked Witch was just a zombie with a penchant for sparkly footwear?

Once the truck is fixed, the crew heads back on the road, but is quickly stopped once again as the truck breaks down.  Damn truck is a lemon.   Eugene does a little light reading, and Maggie comes over to make friends.  She says, “You’re not the person people think you are.”  Oh, Mags, you don’t know the half of it.

As Abe struggles to fix the truck, Glenn catches a whiff of something nasty in the air.  Glennnnn, you know the rule.  You smelt it, so you are probably responsible for the gross smell.  That’s how that saying goes, right?  But Glenn’s off the hook because it’s actually a gigantic swarming horde of walkers a mile or so in the distance. 

Glenn turns back, whispering, “we gotta go, we gotta go.”  The rest of the crew is with him, and they all start back until they see a muttering Abe staring into the distance.  Abe refuses to give up.  He screams at all of them, bouncing their criticisms off one by one with his faulty, crazed logic.  (Side note – Abe was probably a pretty awful soldier.  He doesn’t really listen to reason, and he’s also really super visible with that blinding red hair.)

Abe marches back and roughly grabs Eugene’s arm.  Tara tries to stop him, and Glenn and Rosita join in trying to slow the big guy down.  As the melee continues, Eugene starts to freak out.  He screams, “I’M NOT A SCIENTIST!!!” 

Boom.  Yes, Eugene you are totally full of shit.

Everyone stops, horrified looks on their faces.  Eugene goes on to explain himself in full detail.  “I know I’m smarter than most people.  I know I’m a very good liar and I knew I needed to get to DC.”  Rosita breathlessly reminds Eugene of all the people that died for him, and Eugene immediately rattles off all the names.  He seems genuinely upset about these losses, and it’s probably why he relates to Gabriel (and would likely also relate to Doc Steve).  Eugene is a coward whose only survival skills are manipulation and deceit.    

Eugene then turns to Abe and says, “I am smarter than you” which seems to prove that he’s definitely not that smart, because, well, dumb move.  You don’t poke the beast, Eugene.  Abe wails on Eugene’s face, slamming him unconscious against the side of the fire truck.  Eugene face plants onto the concrete, and Rosita steps in, blocking Abe, and he takes a beat.  His face crumples in despair, and he wanders away from the group, sinking to the ground on his knees, staring blankly at the sky.

A final flashback scene shows us the moment that Eugene’s secret was born.  Just as Abe puts the gun to his mouth, Eugene stumbles toward him, pursued by three walkers.  Eugene screams, “Help me!!”  Abe makes quick work of the walkers, but then turns and marches away.  Eugene asks him to stop, saying, “You can’t leave!  I have a very important mission.”

Ok, so, Eugene did save Abe’s life.  There’s that.  But Abe and the rest of the group no longer have a purpose.  Will they continue on to DC despite having no solid reason to travel there?  Especially when they’re probably only 30 or so miles away from the church?  We probably won’t get the answer to this for another few weeks as next week is the Carol and Daryl Show (YESSSSS!!!!) but it’s fun to speculate.  I, for one, think they will continue on to D.C.  Also, I think Eugene is alive, because how could you kill the best hairstyle on the show?

Some final thoughts:

- Best line of the week: ‘Ive been to eight county fairs, and one goat rodeo, and I’ve never seen anything like that.”  Um, what’s a goat rodeo?

This in no way explains what a Goat Rodeo is, but I happen to think that it's awesome..

- Eugene spits on a walker. Gross.  Lame.  

- Judging by the cuts on his left hand, and the continued use of this hand despite the fact that it’s broken open like a bloody piñata, Abe appears to be a leftie.  I know this is pretty useless information but give me a break, it was a slow episode.  Did I say I can’t wait for next week???

Walking Dead - Slabtown Recap

Oh, there’s Beth.

This episode of the Walking Dead promised a big reveal, and wow did it deliver.  Beth is alive and well, sillies!  She was just kidnapped by a psycho group holed up in a hospital in Atlanta! But it’s no biggie because they totally have lollipops!

This week we follow Beth’s experience as the insane and sadistic leaders of the hospital abuse her in every way possible.  To Beth’s credit, her sunny disposition never waivers, and she goes about proving beyond a doubt that she can certainly take care of herself.  Daryl Dixon would totally be proud.

The ‘Slabtown’ episode raises a lot of questions about power, control and leadership.  We encounter our first female leader in the Dead world, but she’s super disappointing.  Much like Rick Grimes, Dawn Lerner was a police officer ‘before’, and continues to tenaciously hold onto that role despite the fact that the world is crumbling around her.  However, all similarities to Rick Grimes end there.  As a female, Dawn uses other women’s bodies as a kind of sick currency.  She uses these women to entertain and soothe her troops so they can remain happy and continue to work toward some imaginary ‘greater good’.  Dawn perpetuates the stereotype of woman as victim, instead of trying to protect and empower her own gender. And, oh yeah, she's also a prime perpetrator of serious physical abuse and emotional mindfuckery.

As this season progresses, the topic of control and dependence has been prominent in the two different groups our gang has encountered since leaving the prison.  At Terminus, the original denizens of the compound fought back, but became cannibalistic control freaks in the process, feasting their way through the untrustworthy masses.  In Slabtown, they are doing something that seems counterintuitive.  They recruit only weak, seemingly dependent and damaged individuals.  In a world that’s basically just one long abusive relationship, Slabtown is the epitome of that beat down.  And it’s no coincidence that our poor Beth is trapped there.

The episode opens with a clear homage to the opening shot of the entire series.  Beth opens her eyes in an empty hospital room. She bangs at her locked door, and two newbies walk in.  They introduce themselves as Doctor Steven Edwards and Officer Dawn Lerner.  They blatantly lie and say that they found her alone on the side of the road with a fractured wrist and a head wound on the side of the road.  (Side note - When did that happen?  When we last left Beth, she had a twisted ankle, and a few scrapes, but certainly no broken bones.)

Dawn drops the hammer as she goes on to tell Beth that because they saved her life, she owes them.

Cut to a different day.  Beth is dressed in pale blue scrubs and is helping the Doc on his rounds.  He terminates a patient because Dawn has ordered him to do so. Resources in ole Slabtown are precious, and the odds were not stacked in this guys favor. 

Beth helps Doc wheel the body down the hall and carefully observes her surroundings.  There’s a uniformed janitor mopping the far end of the hall, and a few patients are hanging out in their rooms.  Even though there’s a weird feeling here there’s also a semblance of normality, which feels novel in a world where most people are scrambling for survival.  The scene is scored to some forgettable music that should’ve totally been a mournful cover of ‘A Whole New World’ from Aladdin, but who can afford the rights to Disney classics in this apocalypse wasteland?

As Doc and Beth walk down the hall, he explains to her what they are doing with the body.  They use the recently dead as bait for random ‘rotters’ that have worked their way into the basement.  During this exchange, the doctor also makes an interesting comment about the state of the hospital.  He says, “Some of us started here, some came as patients.  We all have a job.”  This is basically a rehash of the Greene family motto, as decreed by Hershel.  Even though I know that hard work and delegation of responsibility must be a common sentiment in the apocalypse, it’s a bit shocking to hear someone else who’s not Hershel say it in the WD world.  Also, I miss Hershel.  **Sniff**

Beth heads down to the cafeteria, which looks like it has a pretty well stocked buffet.  She encounters a cop with super skeevy eyebrows.  He introduces himself, but since he’s so clearly creeptastic I’m going to willfully ignore his name and just call him ‘Officer Eyebrows’.  Officer Eyebrows reminds Beth that she should be grateful to him as he saved her life.  Be nice to him, or he’ll start writing down everything that she’s taking for lunch.  He sneers, “Everything costs something, right?”

Elsewhere in the hospital, we meet a young Chris Rock WD newbie Noah.  He picks up Dawn’s clothing as she jazzercycles her way to fitness.   She comments that she wants her uniform washed separately and pressed.  

Beth brings the doctor his food.  He’s listening to a record in an office decorated in what can best be described as ‘hippie college professor style’.  She sits down and he offers her a bite of his guinea pig, which she accepts.  Apparently the denizens of Slabtown aren’t eating people, so there’s that.  The two have a chat about art and transcendence.  Beth notes that she still sings, and this brings a small smile to the docs face.  Dawn bursts into the room, breaking up this sweet moment as she summons the doc.  Damn you Dawn, you are SUCH a buzz kill.

A new guy named Trevitt is wheeled in, mangled and unconscious.  Dawn barks orders at the doctor, telling him to use whatever resources it takes to save this random dude.  The doctor and Dawn argue, and she quickly gets agitated.  What does Dawn do with her anger?  Oh, just openly whacks poor Beth in the face.  Totally makes sense….IN CRAZYLAND! What did Beth ever do to you, you crazy bitch?! Dawn makes a cryptic comment about “the stakes” and then storms out.

Back in Beth’s room, Doc sews up her face and gives her a new shirt because Dawn “likes things neat”.  The doctor leaves, and Beth goes to change.  She finds a green lollipop in the pocket and beams. Score!  Maybe Willy Wonka will save her.  Probably not.   

Who are we kidding, Wonka would definitely be alive in the zombie apocalypse. 

It’s a regular episode of ER up in this piece as a crew drags another body in.  It’s a curly haired girl named Joan who was mentioned as missing earlier in the episode.  Joan has a big juicy bite on her forearm.  Dawn screams that they’re not going to let her turn, and Joan forcefully objects, saying she doesn’t want their help.  Officer Eyebrows comes in and is generally creepy and unhelpful as he caresses Joan’s calf and calls her a whore.  Dawn shoves him aside, and Doc starts sawing off Joan’s arm with a wire cord.  The visual here is graphic, and is the sound of the wire cutting through flesh and bone is unnerving. 

Still reeling from her amputation assist, Beth walks up to the laundry room and officially meets Noah, who introduces himself as the lollipop fairy.  He’s pretty chatty with her as he divulges that he’s been in Slabtown for about a year, after being ‘rescued’.  He tells her that he came from a compound in Richmond, Virginia, and that they “had walls” back home.  Noah knows that the crew thinks he’s weak, but he begs to differ.  Oddly, Noah goes on to share his plan to escape with Beth, who is basically a perfect stranger.  (Not to be confused with Perfect Strangers.)

Larry and Balki would totally be doomed in the apocalypse.

Later that evening, Dawn brings Beth some food.  She gives Beth this strange little pep talk, saying that she is just trying to keep things in order until they are saved.  It’s odd, because this is the same sentiment that Abe, Rosita and Eugene have been espousing since their introduction on the show; only Dawn is not being very proactive about the situation.  She’s controlling what she can control, and just waiting for rescue.  Dawn’s theme song should totally be ‘Someday My Prince Will Come’, from Sleeping Beauty but damn those pricey Disney rights.

Beth rounds out her day by humming a little ditty as she mops up blood from Joan’s amputation.  Joan stirs and tells her that the humming is nice.  Beth expresses genuine sorrow for what happened to Joan.  She takes a chance and asks Joan what Officer Eyebrows did to her.  Joan responds that she knows Dawn can control her troops, but “she doesn’t because it’s easier.” 

(Side note – Well, we all guessed it, Officer Eyebrows is most definitely a sexual predator.  The kind of guy you wouldn’t want in charge before or after the apocalypse.  Further eroding Dawn’s credibility is the fact that she is complicit in the abuse that he is perpetrating.  She is allowing it to happen, and in letting these indiscretions go unpunished, she is undermining her own authority as a woman.  Taking the easy way never pans out.)

In the next scene, the Creep Factor cranks up to 11.  For me, this was one of the most uncomfortable scenes to date on WD.  And on a show with flaming zombies, heads in fish tanks and rampant cannibalism, that’s certainly saying something. 

After her long day, Beth searches for her lollipop and cant find it.  Officer Eyebrows walks in.  He waves the green gem around, opens it, and then sticks it straight into his disgusting mouth.  He advances on our little Beth, offering it to her, and she grimaces, declining the offer.  Only it wasn’t an offer.  Officer Eyebrows rubs the tainted candy against her lips, and slowly forces it into her mouth, leering at her as she squirms. 

Thankfully the doctor interrupts at this point, putting a temporary end to this horrific exchange.  However, this scene does an excellent job in illustrating what the core of sexual harassment looks like.  Unlike recent portrayals of sexual assault in popular media, such as the brutal and mercilessly extended cuts of onscreen abuse and rape at Craster’s Keep in Game of Thrones, Walking Dead does an excellent job of illustrating what is at the core of this thing.  Sexual assault is not about sex.  It’s about power and control. 

Beth bounces back from the encounter relatively quickly, and asks the doctor why he stays.  He brings her down to the ground floor.  As he drags a stick across the metal shutters, a horde of walkers quickly assembles at the window. He glumly notes that the place is overrun, and that’s why he stays.  For a doctor this guy is pretty stupid.  How do the cops get out, dummy? 

Doc brings Beth up to the picturesque roof garden.  As they chat, they are framed by a striking, eerily quiet shot of a broken Atlanta.  He shares that he was the one who suggested the barter system; medical care in exchange for service, and Dawn bastardized it to what it is now.  The doctor is clearly drunk on Slabtown Kool-Aid, because he says what many abused individuals say when it becomes clear it’s time to leave a bad relationship.  “As bad as it gets, it’s still better than down there.”

The doctor sends Beth back into the hospital with instructions to give Trevitt 75 mg of Clozapine.  She goes down and expertly executes her task.  As she goes to leave, Noah shows up to say heeeey girl just as the patient starts to crash.  Dawn charges in and asks what happened. Noah takes the blame, and Dawn’s army drags him into her office for a good old-fashioned beat down.  The sounds of Noah’s beating are audible as Beth explains to the doctor what actually happened.  She says she administered Clozapine as the doctor asked her to, and he just shakes his head, insinuating that he actually said ‘Clonazepam’. 

(Side note: First off, I have the power of the DVR, and Beth doesn’t, but that SOB M.D. most certainly did say Clozapine.  Secondly, I’m not quite sure why Clozapine would cause this patient to die, because the Internets tell me it’s just an anti-psychotic medication, but no matter….Doc Stevens is the expert in sneaky murder-by-unwitting-proxy, not me.)

Dawn goes to confront Beth, and tries to force some of that delicious Slabtown Kool-Aid down her throat.  She tells Beth that she is there to keep the officers happy, and that’s what should give her a sense of self worth.  Outside in the real world, she’s just a burden.  Dawn throws Beth’s scars in her face, reminding us of her suicide attempt in Season 2, back when Beth was still just one of Hershel’s hundred nameless children.  While this scene is also disturbing, it’s honestly another amazing example of how power and control can and is used to “keep people in their place”.  The spotless funeral home from last season has OCDawn’s prints all over it.  It was most certainly a trap for the weak and the easily controlled.  Poor limping, singing, scarred, sweet Beth was a prime target.  Dawn is clearly excellent at breaking people down and making them feel like they do not have a choice, but starting with individuals who are already weak certainly helps.

Noah and Beth talk, and she says that she wants to escape with him.  He asks her to execute the most dangerous part of the mission - go get the spare key to the elevator shaft in Dawns office.   Beth goes immediately, not wanting to spend one more second in this nightmare. 

Inside Dawn’s office, there’s a whole jar of lollipops just sitting on her desk!  In a hipster mason jar! I’m genuinely surprised that the pops aren’t color-coded.  Beth rifles through a file cabinet, and locates a wallet with some sort of ID from St Ignatius Hospital.  She turns to see a dead Joan on the floor beside a blood spattered “FUCK YOU” carved into the floor.  Apparently written obscenities are totally cool on network TV if they’re doused with a bit of suicide blood. 

Beth just sort of acts like Joan is a piece of furniture she has to work around.  She jimmies a drawer free and finds the key.  Just then Officer Eyebrows comes in and starts fondling Beth, telling her that they can work out a deal so that Dawn doesn’t need to know about her break-in.  OMG Daryl Dixon would stomp this assbag so hard, but Beth isn’t waiting for a savior.  She keeps an eye on the floor as Joan starts to reanimate, and lets Officer Creepy Brows think he has the upper hand.  As he starts to relax, Beth quickly grabs the lollipop jar and forcefully slams it over his head.  He falls into Joan’s waiting jaws, and she rips his neck out with her teeth.  Beth smartly nabs his gun as she flees the scene.  It’s sweet, satisfying poetic justice all around. 

Noah and Beth execute their great escape.  Noah guides Beth down the chute with some knotted bedsheets, and then he follows.  Beth shoots several walkers in the dark, flashes of light illuminating each kill.  The duo makes their way outside, and the scene is overexposed, giving the scene a bright and washed out look.  Beth passes three vehicles emblazoned with the white cross on the back windshield, and WHY DOESN’T SHE TRY TO GET IN ONE OF THE CARS?!? It might be because there’s a small knot of walkers advancing towards her.

Beth takes out a bunch of the walkers, but starts to get overwhelmed.  Noah scoots out, and a cop takes down Beth.  As the officer cuffs her on the ground, she catches a glimpse of Noah fleeing past the chain link fence.  And as a true testament to Beth’s sunny disposition, she smiles.

Back in Dawns office, it’s an OCD nightmare.  Two dead bodies, and guts everywhere.  Just a real bloody mess. Beth breaks it down for Dawn.  Officer Eyebrows attacked her, but only because Dawn is a permissive and ineffective leader who is living in a fantasy world.  Beth fully stands up to Dawn, and tells her that no one is coming.  There is no prince, there’s no way out.  Beth drops the bomb. “You let this happen for nothing.”  Dawn can’t accept this.  She clearly has some serious mental health issues.  She grabs a broken frame and slams it across Beth’s face.

A few days later, the doctor is examining Beth, her pretty, innocent face a swollen and gouged mess from Dawn’s attack.  As Doc goes to leave, Beth confronts him about the ID that she saw in Dawn’s office.  She asks, “How’d you know that Trevitt was a doctor?”  Doc says he knew him, and had to kill him to ensure his own survival, his own place as Slabtown’s resident professional.  He’s a coward, just like Father Gabriel.  And much like Gabriel, he uses religious lore to justify his actions.  He tells a story about Peter denying being a disciple of Christ so he could save his own hide.  Beth pretends to be sympathetic and understanding.   

However, Beth has other plans in mind.  She gets up from the office, sharp medical scissors in hand.  She walks with purpose, striding toward Doc.  At that moment, the crew rounds the corner, bringing in another body on the stretcher.  As it approaches, a pop of short gray hair comes into view, and then a face.  Beth’s eyes widen and a look of recognition washes over her.  OMG it’s everyone’s favorite gray haired Queen Bitch…CAROLLLL!!!!!  Yayyyy!!!

SO. MANY. QUESTIONS!!!

- Why was this episode not called ‘Dawn of the Walking Dead’?  It seems like such a missed opportunity….

- Where did Carol come from?  Did she plant herself as a ‘weak’ individual in order to get in to the hospital, or is she actually hurt? Beth doesn’t know that Carol is a bonafide superhero now, but she certainly knows that Carol is on her side.  However, given the general ‘abusive relationship’ feel of the hospital, will Carol slip back into her old patterns of thinking?  Probably not. 

- That person in the woods with Daryl at the end of the previous episode?  I’ll bet my britches that it’s Noah.  (You probably don’t want my britches.  Where does that saying even come from?  It’s super weird.  But I digress.) And Noah told Beth that he had been with another group of survivors in Richmond, Virginia, “with walls”.  Could this be a pit stop for our gang on the way to DC?  If so, will our group ever all be together again?  Will Beth and Maggie ever be reunited?  Does Maggie even care?  Is Maggie the worst sister ever, or what?  Will I ever stop asking questions?  

5 Reasons Why - Hocus Pocus is the Best Halloween Movie. Ever.

As a kid, I loved 'Hocus Pocus'. Admittedly, I was squarely in the target demographic for the movie at the time, being a 10 year old kid who loved Halloween, but I recently watched it and I truly believe that it held up over the past two decades.  It not only holds up, but I’m going out on a limb here and declaring it the BEST Halloween movie of all time. Here’s why.

One – This movie is actually horrifying. Well, the premise is horrifying.  Three witches are able to achieve immortality by literally sucking the lives out of little children.  This is happening IN A MOVIE MADE FOR CHILDREN.  Mind.  Blown.

Two – Sarah Jessica Parker.  I’d argue that SJP’s portrayal of the youngest Sanderson Sister is the best comedic performance of her career.  She’s totally hilarious as a doddering, boy-crazy idiot.  (You know, kind of like Carrie Bradshaw…but only funnier and more likeable.) SJP goes for broke, her giggly positivity drawing attention to her character in scenes where she could just basically be considered a throwaway background sight gag.  She clutches at her corseted chest for emphasis when she’s excited, stuffs giant spiders in her mouth, and uses noise effects instead of words to convey her emotions. And, oh yeah.  She flies on a broom while singing.  Crazy amazing.

Carrie Bradshaw would totally covet this dress.
She'd probably wear it to brunch.

Three – Talking cat. Binx is actually a super realistic talking cat, especially for the 90’s, an era notorious for frequently god-awful digital animation. Interesting Bonus Fact: The cat was created by Rhythm & Hues, a digital effects company that went on to win a technical Oscar almost twenty years later for their ground-breaking 3D work in ‘Life of Pi’.  #TheMoreYouKnow

Four – Misunderstandings with culture.  The Sanderson Sisters have been locked away from the world for 300 years.  It’s always fun to see how characters react when they’re out of their element.  They gawk at the seeming sorcery of a lighter (“He makes fire in his hand!”), balk at a paved road (“a black river!”), and are awestruck by a kitchen (“a torture chamber!”).  In one super weird sequence, the Sisters stop at a house of a couple giving out candy for Halloween and discover the magic of television, Cheetos, hair curlers, and a vacuum. They’re also delightfully confused by everyday slang, such as when the man of the house says he wants to introduce them to his ‘little woman’.  Super Creepy Bonus Fact: The ‘couple’ is played by IRL siblings Garry and Penny Marshall.  Ew. That’s creepy no matter what century it’s in.

Five – BooooOooook.  Watch this, and I dare you to not want to howl that at any old paperback novel lying around your house.  I have no shame in admitting that I’ve belted out this mournful wail on more than one occasion when I’ve misplaced a book lying around my house.  It’s super fun and satisfying to do.  Now go do it!

Happy Halloween!!!

Walking Dead - Four Walls And A Roof Recap

What I learned this week: Bears are capable of eating their young, Glenn found some leadership balls, and a church in the apocalypse is just four walls and a roof.  Hey, that’s the name of this episode!! 

From what I understand from the twitters and the reddits, this episode brought some fan favorites from the comic to life.  However, it also continued to bring up the question of humanity for our survivors.  Rick kills the Termites, not out of some larger purpose to keep the world safe, or even to keep his group safe, but primarily out of revenge.  It looks like he’s almost starting to enjoy doing it.

More importantly, our group is once again fractured after a brief moment of reunion.  Admittedly, things are more exciting when they’re separated, but this time it was by choice.  Maggie and Glenn take up with Abe and Co on their journey to save the world, and both Carol and Beth are both still MIA at the end of the episode.  And who the eff is with Daryl at the end?

But let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

The episode opens where the last one left off.   Gareth is basically acting like an idiotic Bond villain.  He openly discloses all the Termites motivations as he continues to chomp away on his Bob drumstick.

Gareth rambles on, continuing to justify his actions by talking about bears.  Apparently if bears are in a situation where they’re about to starve, they will eat their young first.  Except, um, that’s not the situation here Gareth.  Never mind.  God this is the most boring monologue ever.  Until Gareth mentions Carol, who he calls “that gray haired Queen Bitch”.  Amazeballs nickname for Carol, Gareth.

Apparently Gareth is the foodie of human flesh.  He breaks down his theories of why women and pretty people taste better.  Ew.  File that under ‘Cooking Tips I Will Never Use, Ever’.  Bob inexplicably starts to cackle.  All the Termites think he’s lost it, but in reality Bob has a secret.  He says, “You idiots!  I’ve been bitten you stupid pricks!  I’m tainted meat!  TAINTED MEEEATTTT!!!”  The Termites start to panic, and Gareth tries to smooth things over by coolly saying, “we cooked him, we’re going to be fine.”  Guess we can rule out Health Inspector or Professional Chef as possible past careers for Gareth. 

In the meantime, Sasha, Rick and Tyreese have started searching for Bob in the woods.  They note that Carol and Daryl are also missing.  Inside the church, Sasha pulls a knife on Gabriel and confronts him about the situation.  Rick pulls her away and morphs into full cop interrogation mode.  (Side note - It’s odd, but I can’t help but notice here that these two men are the individuals who most identify with their professions from the life before.)  Gabriel sobs and gives his lame confession.  When the shit hit the fan, he locked his parishioners out of the church, and let them be eaten by walkers.  Pretty bad under normal circumstances, but in the grand scope of things in the WD world it’s relatively innocent.  He’s a weak man, and Rick looks at him the way someone might look at a puppy who’s piddled on the rug. 

Glenn peers out a window, and sees a body lying on the grass outside.  In a world with no streetlights, I don’t see how this is possible, but maybe Glenn has super sight.  Sure, that’s probably it.  Anyways, the body is a one-legged Bob.  They go to retrieve him, and as they retreat back inside, the camera pulls back to reveal a large ‘A’ emblazoned in blood on the side of the church.

They bring Bob in, and he tells them the whole horrific story, including the part about Carol and Daryl driving off.  The group wants to give Bob pain meds, but he refuses, saying, “save them” as he shows them his gnawed off shoulder.  A Terminus nibble, it ain’t.  Sasha winces as Bob passes out.  Gabriel gallantly offers the sofa in his office, and Tyreese leans down to scoop Bob up. 

Abe starts to lay down the law.  He says, “Time for a reality check.  We all need to leave for DC right now.”  Rick opposes this thought, saying that they’re not leaving Carol and Daryl behind.  As the situation escalates, it is clear that Rick and Abe are from two different schools of anger.  Abe is more explosive and loud, whereas Rick is quiet and full of simmering rage. 

As things escalate and threaten to get physical, Glenn interjects.  Tara has a moment and says she has an idea.  If the DC gang stay and help she’ll go with them after the situation is handled.  Abe considers and then counter offers by saying he wants the Glaggie duo in the bargain.  Rick says no.

Abe growls at a reluctant Rosita and Eugene to come join him.  As they start to walk out the door, Rick goes into control freak mode saying, “you’re not taking the bus.”  “Try and stop me,” counters Abe, and the two men advance on each other.  Glenn gets in between the two of them again, and quickly proposes a deal.  “You stay and help us, and we’ll go with you.”  Rick says no, but Glenn quickly counters by saying it’s not his decision to make, standing up to Rick as an individual.  Abe agrees to stay for a half day.  

(Side note – Is Rick trying to instigate a fight with Abe?  Why does he care about the bus? Abe has openly admitted that he likes to fight, but Rick is still trying to hold his ground as a rational man who only uses violence in extreme situations.  Why is Rick poking him?)

As Sasha tends to Bob’s wounds, he’s still focusing on the positive.  She wonders why he didn’t tell her about his bite sooner, and he makes a lot of sense as he says, “I knew when I told you it would become all about the end.  And I really liked the middle.”  His sentiments are so sweet, so simple, and so true.  Bob, why are you making Sasha and us love you even more?  This is hard enough as it is.  How selfish can you be? **Weeps into sweater**

The remnants of our gang plot their revenge.  Sasha says that she wants to go with the rest of the crew, and exact her vengeance on the Termites.  After this declaration she goes to tend to Bob, and Tyreese follows her.  He implores her to stay with Bob, and to take this opportunity instead of going on the murder spree.  Tyreese goes on to encourage Sasha to forgive the Termites, and she’s incredulous.  She says, “What the hell is wrong with you?  You think we have a choice?”  Tyreese says, “Not all of us.  Just you.”  It seems incredibly important to him that his sister retains her humanity, but she’s all like naaaah, I’m good.   

Half the gang leaves the church in the dead of night.  The camera pans over the church sign in the dark of night.  Nothing happens.  For awhile. Ummmm, is my DVR on pause?  Did my cable freeze?  Op!  Wait! We’re back!  Another group of people starts creeping down a well-lit path to the church.  It’s the Termites.  They silently enter the front door.  

As Gareth slowly makes his way up the center aisle, he rattles off the names of all the people who are still there like any good horror villain should.  He specifically mentions “Martin’s good friend Tyreese”, and I can’t help but smile a bit.  Oh, Gareth, you might just be the most charming cannibal psychopath since Hannibal Lecter.

Gareth goes on to say that he knows Rick and Co walked out with the majority of the guns.  The Termites wander around the front of the church and wiggle the knob to the office.  Gareth tries to appeal to Gabriel by saying, “How ‘bout the priest?  Father, if you help us out, we’ll let you walk away from this.”  Unlikely that Gareth would follow through on that promise, but I’m surprised that ole Gabie didn’t jump at the chance to get away. 

Just then, Judith starts crying.  Damnit!  Kid, you had ONE JOB!

The Termites hone in on the location and prepare to unhinge the door, when a sniper silently takes out two of their group.  Gareth starts to protest, still thinking he has the upper hand when Rick cocks his pistol and…SPLAT!  Gareth’s fingers explode in a firework of pain.  Damn, Rick!  This Gareth guy never shuts up, and this turn of events somehow makes him even chattier.  He tells Rick he’s not going to beg….and then proceeds to beg.

Beautifully backlit and framed by stained glass windows, Rick looks at Gareth with dead, determined eyes.  Gareth tries to save his people by saying, “we will never cross your path again.  I promise you.”  Rick tilts his head and says, “you’ll cross someone’s path” as he fingers a red handled machete.  “Besides.  I already made you a promise.”   

And oh does he deliver on that promise.  Rick violently hacks into Gareth’s skull with the machete, over and over again; evoking memories of the time he went all feral on the Goon Squad last season.  Abe, Sasha and Michonne take out the rest of the Termites in an equally brutal manner – in particular Sasha goes all stabby stabby on Martin, finishing the job that her brother failed to do back at Terminus.  Tyreese looks on with a horrified hang dog stare in his eyes. 

Then, a wonderful thing happens.  Michonne surveys the damage.  She catches a glimpse of her sword in a Termites backpack.  Slowly, she unsheathes it and….she is back.  Framed from below, she holds the katana aloft like a badass superhero ninja.  YESSSSSSSS!!!!  It’s not just any katana. It’s HER katana.  Back in it’s rightful place.  That thing is damn near magical.  Dear WD writers, Thanks for listening.  Love, Rainey.

As I do my ‘the katana is back’ happy dance on my couch (best sung to the tune of ‘Backstreet’s Back’), Gabriel peers out and surveys the damage to his church.  He gets his first glimpse of how much humanity has changed since everything started.   He says, “This is the Lords House.”  And Maggie, the preacher’s daughter, coldly responds, “No.  It’s just four walls and a roof.” 

The gang has a little ‘Bob Voyage’ party, and they all say their goodbyes.  Bob asks that Rick and Judith stay behind.  He thanks Rick in a rambling but beautiful way.  He emphasizes his hope for humanity, saying, “What I said yesterday, I ain’t revising it.  Nightmares end.  They shouldn’t end who you are.”  To his credit, Rick does appear to be genuinely listening, and taking this in.  He still wants to believe he’s a good guy, and that he can come back.  On the other hand, he’s starting to become very comfortable in the role of vigilante cop. If this nightmare of a world did somehow end, would Rick be able or willing to give up that power?

Bob fades in and out of consciousness.  When he wakes in the morning, he is smiling, and Sasha asks, “So what is it, the good that comes out of this bad?”  Bob doesn’t get a chance to answer as he passes out.  He has presumably died because Sasha sobs for a moment, and then draws her knife.  Intuitively Tyreese comes in and tenderly takes the knife from his sister. Sasha leaves the room, and Tyreese slides the knife into Bob’s temple, doing what Sasha could not. 

(Side note - There’s an interesting parallel here between the two siblings.  Tyreese could not kill Martin, but Sasha is able to do so with brute force.  However, when it comes down to a more delicate, humane task, Tyreese steps up.  He is the new ‘voice of morality’ on the show, and given the WD track record with moral voices, it is likely only a matter of time before he starts to adapt or dies.)

A bit later, Sasha constructs a cross of twine and sticks.  She is wearing Bob’s jacket.  Abe hands Rick a map as they leave with Glenn and Maggie in tow.  For such a heavy moment on the show, there is very little fanfare.  The couple looks sadly at the group and Abe and Rick nod slightly at one another. 

As the bus rolls away, Rick unfolds the map.  A loooooong red line indicates the path Abe and Co intend to take.  A note from Abe on the bottom:  “Sorry I was an asshole.  Come to Washington.  The new worlds gonna need Rick Grimes.”

That night, Michonne stands watch.  Gabriel comes out to join her because he can’t sleep.  Honestly, who can blame him?  They chat for a minute about the horrors they’ve experienced, and Michonne gives him a bit of friendly advice.   There’s a rustle in the bushes, and Michonne instinctively draws her sword (YAY!) as scaredy-cat Gabriel shifts himself behind her, and immediately pops back inside.

As Michonne approaches the tree line, Daryl reveals himself.  Michonne gets a huge grin on her face, which quickly fades when she asks, “Where’s Carol?”  Daryl grimaces for a moment and then calls back to an unidentified person in the woods.  “C’mon out!”

END CREDITS.

What?  Huh?  Who is it?  WHERE IS CAROL???!?  Scenes from next week promise to reveal where Beth is, but who are we kidding?  We care WAY more about Carol than we do about Beth at this point in time.  What would we do without our gray-haired Queen Bitch?

Some thoughts before I go:

- Favorite needlepoint in the church: ‘Stupidity is also a gift from God, but one mustn’t misuse it.’  Not sure who this is referencing in the episode, or if it’s just a bit of visual comic relief, but I enjoyed it.

- The cinematography in this episode is gorgeous.  I don’t read the comic, but a few of the shots looked like they were lifted right from the cells of a graphic novel.  I was struck by how effective the shot of Rick was, as he was framed by the stained glass in the moments before killing Gabriel.  Also, the shot of Abe, Rick and Glenn standing in a row in the church aisle earlier in the episode was beautifully composed.

- We never do get to find out what consumption of ‘tainted meat’ does to the Termites.  But I guess we don’t have to worry about that, as our gang won’t be eating any people in the near future.  At least I hope not.