I survey the room. Amoeba-shaped coffee stains permeate the rug...the stains even seem to be dying of boredom. Funny because there's no coffee here. There used to be coffee here! Why have I been to this court room so often? Twice for speeding tickets and once for an agonizing six hour day of jury duty in which my noble contribution to society as a civil servant was to read a copy of 2009 Spring Vogue cover to cover eight times. By the end of that day I fancied myself an expert on upcoming spring fashion. I blame that day for my continued love of coral and lavender nail polishes.....
Anyways, to stave off my boredom, I have decided to post my first live blog as well as my first time blogging from my phone, so please bear with me! Updates to follow.
2:54pm - A break in the boredom!
Dude next to me just told another lady that he took a Xanax before coming here. Woah guy.....if a 30 something man has to pop a pill before coming to traffic court, there are gonna be bigger problems in store for him in his future.
2:57pm - Now up comes the magistrate and I get to match faces to everyones charges...what I might argue is a very intrusive but interesting part of the court process. Like watching a live and shortened version of Peoples Court or Judge Judy, only the magistrate doesn't seem to be a sassy red headed lady. And, even more dissapointing, he doesn't have a gavel. Boo.
3:00pm - Thinking that it would be really funny if I started to carry a 'get out of jail free' card from Monopoly around with me. My sister somehow wrangled a legit 'get out of jail free' card from some official she knows....but it doesn't have the cool guy with the wings on it. I wonder what would happen if I handed one in the Monopoly-style to the magistrate....or to the next cop that pulls me over.
3:12pm - The magistrate calls me up and dismisses my case (talking on a cell phone, first offense) but only after the lawyer lady scolds me because my hands free headset looks too new. Yeah lady, I totally bought it yesterday for a ticket issued in August. I don't like change, wanna fight about it?
3:15pm - Find my way outside and retrieve my spray can of mace that I had buried in a pile of snow as I was banned from brining it into the courthouse.
Thanks for bearing with me all! Updated thoughts on courtrooming, breaking the law and live phone blogging to follow later tonight.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Righteous Hilarity Brought To You By Annoying Airhorn!
You wouldn't think that having a bedroom window overlook a busy intersection would be beneficial.
Well....you're right. It has zero benefits. And in the two places Chris and I have lived we have had the misfortune of a bedroom situated in the most inconvenient quadrant of living space. As the two of us are basically nocturnal, this has historically been something of a problem. Going to sleep when the 'normal' world greets the day may be acceptable when living in a sun dappled cabin miles away from civilization or when having a job that necessitates a 6am bedtime such as a nursing shift.
Of course instead of joining the ranks of regularly snoozing society, we suffer through the screech of Britney Spears from an open window, a siren call of a bickering couple with the window down, the jarring thump of floor vibrating bass (someone please tell me how the hell that's enjoyable inside the car?), piercing blasts emitted from garbage trucks, the chalkboard scrape of snowplows, etc etc....
Inventing nonsensical games helps ease the insomnia.
Enter Airhorn!
I cannot take credit for this amazing idea. One day, fed up with all of the crazies on the streets of South Norwalk, Chris was prompted with an idea.
Chris: "What if whenever anyone did something that is completely unacceptable, like raping the worlds ears with a jacked up demo of their techno band through open car windows, we just ran up to them with an airhorn and blasted it right in their face!"
Me: (after laughing has subsided) "Yes! Can we do that please?"
Chris: "We should totally have a TV show! Call it 'Annoying Airhorn'. I would watch that show."
So the question is - Who wants to fund the pilot season of 'Annoying Airhorn'? I figure the bulk of the budget will be in legal fees to battle restraining order and breach of peace charges. Small price to pay for righteous hilarity.
Well....you're right. It has zero benefits. And in the two places Chris and I have lived we have had the misfortune of a bedroom situated in the most inconvenient quadrant of living space. As the two of us are basically nocturnal, this has historically been something of a problem. Going to sleep when the 'normal' world greets the day may be acceptable when living in a sun dappled cabin miles away from civilization or when having a job that necessitates a 6am bedtime such as a nursing shift.
Of course instead of joining the ranks of regularly snoozing society, we suffer through the screech of Britney Spears from an open window, a siren call of a bickering couple with the window down, the jarring thump of floor vibrating bass (someone please tell me how the hell that's enjoyable inside the car?), piercing blasts emitted from garbage trucks, the chalkboard scrape of snowplows, etc etc....
Inventing nonsensical games helps ease the insomnia.
Enter Airhorn!
I cannot take credit for this amazing idea. One day, fed up with all of the crazies on the streets of South Norwalk, Chris was prompted with an idea.
Chris: "What if whenever anyone did something that is completely unacceptable, like raping the worlds ears with a jacked up demo of their techno band through open car windows, we just ran up to them with an airhorn and blasted it right in their face!"
Me: (after laughing has subsided) "Yes! Can we do that please?"
Chris: "We should totally have a TV show! Call it 'Annoying Airhorn'. I would watch that show."
So the question is - Who wants to fund the pilot season of 'Annoying Airhorn'? I figure the bulk of the budget will be in legal fees to battle restraining order and breach of peace charges. Small price to pay for righteous hilarity.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Buffalo x 8 = Sentence!
I recently discovered quite possibly the most amazing sentence in the English language. Better than 'Have you lost weight?'. Maybe even better than 'Free drinks for everyone!' Light years ahead of that nutty palindrome 'Able was I, ere I saw Elba.'
I'm talking about a sentence that defies everything of what I think a sentence should be. A sentence that took me a good twenty minutes to fully understand.
'Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.'
Now I can't stop saying it.
For a complete explanation you can click on over to here where my good friends at wikipedia broke it down for me in basic terms.
But if one is to believe the message of the sentence, there are some seriously pissy buffalo in Buffalo, NY. Someone has to get over there and do some serious counseling and peacemaking. Especially for animals with such sensitive looking faces but potentially deadly weaponry upon their noggins. It could spell disaster for the buffalo population of upstate New York!
BUFFALO!!
P.S. Upon sending the link to the wikipedia article to my lovely mother, she responded with an e-mail ending in the signature 'Mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom....sooooo not a sentence!' She's adorable!
I'm talking about a sentence that defies everything of what I think a sentence should be. A sentence that took me a good twenty minutes to fully understand.
'Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.'
Now I can't stop saying it.
For a complete explanation you can click on over to here where my good friends at wikipedia broke it down for me in basic terms.
But if one is to believe the message of the sentence, there are some seriously pissy buffalo in Buffalo, NY. Someone has to get over there and do some serious counseling and peacemaking. Especially for animals with such sensitive looking faces but potentially deadly weaponry upon their noggins. It could spell disaster for the buffalo population of upstate New York!
BUFFALO!!
P.S. Upon sending the link to the wikipedia article to my lovely mother, she responded with an e-mail ending in the signature 'Mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom....sooooo not a sentence!' She's adorable!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Golden Predictions 2011
For almost two decades I have been an avid watcher of the Golden Globes, the precursor to Hollywoods holiest of awards shows, the Oscars. Despite the possible implications behind winning an award at the GG's, they always give off a fun, relaxed atmosphere and, of course, the show always promises to showcase the best and worst of red carpet fashion.
On the eve of the 2011 Golden Globes, I wanted to take the opportunity to channel my inner psychic and put out some predictions prior to the awards being presented. These predictions are based solely on information I have stumbled upon in the media over the past months, coupled with my own personal opinions.
Disclaimer(s) - I have not seen the movie 'The Kings Speech', which from what I understand is a strong contender in all categories for which it is nominated.
Golden Predictions 2011! (Film Only)
Best Picture (Drama) - The Social Network
Best Picture (Comedy or Musical) - The Kids Are Alright
Best Director (Overall) - David Fincher, The Social Network
Best Actor (Drama) - Colin Firth, The Kings Speech
Best Actress (Drama) - Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Best Actor (Comedy or Musical) - Kevin Spacey, Casino Jack
Best Actress (Comedy or Musical) - Annette Benning, The Kids Are Alright
Best Supporting Actor (Overall) - Christian Bale, The Fighter
Best Supporting Actress (Overall) - Melissa Leo, The Fighter
Best Screenplay - Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network
Best Original Score - Trent Reznor and Atticus Rose, The Social Network
Best Animated Feature - Toy Story 3 (although another disclaimer, this is the only picture I have seen in this category)
I apologize for the brevity of this post, just wanted to make sure it was properly posted before the actual awards so I'm not tempted to 'cheat' in any way.
I decided I 'win' if I hit 75% or better.
Happy fashion bashing everyone!!!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Lyrical Flashback
And so came the day when my defunct car charger forced me to rediscover radio and shattered any of my straggling illusions of youth.
Recently my one and only car charger (formerly known as the 'cigarette lighter') decided to go on strike, effectively leaving me with a much narrower scope of music options. Generally I plug in my iPhone to a radio adapter that allows me to play my own music through my radio. As a result of advancing technology, I have three CD's in my car: a 'Best of Led Zeppelin' CD that only spins in the player when it damn well feels like it (uh, like every twentieth time...otherwise to my great fury it doesn't spin at all), a comedy CD that I have listened to more times than I care to admit and the third is scratched beyond repair. As a person completely incapable of sitting with my own silences, I clicked on over to the radio.
"...you got to bet on yourself now staaaar, cause that's your best bet...."
"...Paint myself in blue and red and black and gray. All of the beautiful colors are very very meaningful, Gray is my favorite color, I felt so symbolic yesterday, if I knew Picasso, I would buy myself a gray guitar and play.......Mister Jones and me...!!"
Yessssss! Thankfully my antenna picked up my old standard Radio 104.1, a bastion of amazing music in an often dreck-y sea of mainstream pop and unintelligible rap. I cheerfully sang at the top of my lungs. Lyrics that still rattled around in my head and will probably take up precious brainspace until the day I die were actually being put to proper use! Synapses fired and neurons connected, my brain a flurry of activity!
"....and every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it...well can you feel it! Well, I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away....."
And then it happened. My crazy neurons demanded that a sense memory be paired with that particular lyric. All of a sudden, a swimming image was rapidly uploaded to my minds eye. Large, nearly empty 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew in my hand. My friend bouncing over to the chunky black boom box at my shoulder. A flash of MTV News from a distant sleepover of the past....oh god Kurt Loder was hideous even then....the vague recollection that the year was 1995 and Alanis was up for 'video of the year'.
1995?! Hold up. I turned 13 years old in 1995. I'm 27 now. I have known the words to that song for more than half of the time I have spent on this earth.
Kids that were born in 1995 have never seen a kick-ass, mind-blowing music video on MTV (I know, because I check and the caliber has plummetted my friends. Gone are the days of puppets and clay-mation.) Sadly, these kids have never known the joys of a cigarette lighter in a car or even a life without facebook. I'm sure they have no idea who Alanis Morrisette even IS!!! OMG, they probably don't even know who Kurt Cobain is!
Realization - I. Am. Officially. Old.
After a small pity party in my car, I slowly came to terms with my newfound knowledge. I told myself that with age comes discovery of great music. A refinement of what one will grow to embrace and invite in as a part of one's life and soul. When I was 13 I was blissfully ignorant to the greatness of Nina Simone, the Ramones, Phish and David Bowie, among others.
It heartnens me to think that there is infintely more music to discover and to be made. Maybe I'm 'old', but I am certainly not deaf. Far from foiled by the situation with my dead car charger it has encouraged me to unearth my old CD collection and stock my car with old favorites. Reliving my youth is almost more fun the second time around.
Because now I know all the lyrics.
Recently my one and only car charger (formerly known as the 'cigarette lighter') decided to go on strike, effectively leaving me with a much narrower scope of music options. Generally I plug in my iPhone to a radio adapter that allows me to play my own music through my radio. As a result of advancing technology, I have three CD's in my car: a 'Best of Led Zeppelin' CD that only spins in the player when it damn well feels like it (uh, like every twentieth time...otherwise to my great fury it doesn't spin at all), a comedy CD that I have listened to more times than I care to admit and the third is scratched beyond repair. As a person completely incapable of sitting with my own silences, I clicked on over to the radio.
"...you got to bet on yourself now staaaar, cause that's your best bet...."
"...Paint myself in blue and red and black and gray. All of the beautiful colors are very very meaningful, Gray is my favorite color, I felt so symbolic yesterday, if I knew Picasso, I would buy myself a gray guitar and play.......Mister Jones and me...!!"
Yessssss! Thankfully my antenna picked up my old standard Radio 104.1, a bastion of amazing music in an often dreck-y sea of mainstream pop and unintelligible rap. I cheerfully sang at the top of my lungs. Lyrics that still rattled around in my head and will probably take up precious brainspace until the day I die were actually being put to proper use! Synapses fired and neurons connected, my brain a flurry of activity!
"....and every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it...well can you feel it! Well, I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away....."
And then it happened. My crazy neurons demanded that a sense memory be paired with that particular lyric. All of a sudden, a swimming image was rapidly uploaded to my minds eye. Large, nearly empty 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew in my hand. My friend bouncing over to the chunky black boom box at my shoulder. A flash of MTV News from a distant sleepover of the past....oh god Kurt Loder was hideous even then....the vague recollection that the year was 1995 and Alanis was up for 'video of the year'.
1995?! Hold up. I turned 13 years old in 1995. I'm 27 now. I have known the words to that song for more than half of the time I have spent on this earth.
Kids that were born in 1995 have never seen a kick-ass, mind-blowing music video on MTV (I know, because I check and the caliber has plummetted my friends. Gone are the days of puppets and clay-mation.) Sadly, these kids have never known the joys of a cigarette lighter in a car or even a life without facebook. I'm sure they have no idea who Alanis Morrisette even IS!!! OMG, they probably don't even know who Kurt Cobain is!
Realization - I. Am. Officially. Old.
After a small pity party in my car, I slowly came to terms with my newfound knowledge. I told myself that with age comes discovery of great music. A refinement of what one will grow to embrace and invite in as a part of one's life and soul. When I was 13 I was blissfully ignorant to the greatness of Nina Simone, the Ramones, Phish and David Bowie, among others.
It heartnens me to think that there is infintely more music to discover and to be made. Maybe I'm 'old', but I am certainly not deaf. Far from foiled by the situation with my dead car charger it has encouraged me to unearth my old CD collection and stock my car with old favorites. Reliving my youth is almost more fun the second time around.
Because now I know all the lyrics.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Amputation, Dehydration, Hiking and Hope - 127 Hours, A Review
After seeing the movie '127 Hours', I had one thought.
I must drink copious amounts of water as soon as possible.
The film did leave me with other lasting impressions, most of which I will share with you here. However, if you take nothing else away from this post, please know to bring a large bottle of water with you to the theater.
As trapped hiker Aron Ralston, actor James Franco gives a striking performance where he so convincingly portrays the effects of hopeless dehydration that I thought I might just be dying of thirst during my scant 90 minutes reclining in my cushy chair. Not really. (Kind of.)
In fact, Franco is the main and principal character in the film. At the start of the movie, Franco's Aron Ralston frolics effortlessly through the first twenty minutes of screentime. During this time, everything on screen is subject to his flirtatious and coy nature. He mugs for both his handheld camcorder and digital camera, charms a duo of females he encounters on the trail, and continually skirts the edge of danger.
His dashing smile and endearing quality embue him with a sense of sublime confidence. However, the inevitable happens. His arm becomes pinned to a large boulder, and the clock starts ticking. Aron enters 'survival mode', and the audience takes that journey with him. Grimly introspective 'real-time' moments are puncuated by historical flashbacks with a somewhat disjointed and schizophrenic feeling.
As a viewer, I rooted for Aron to free himself. To defy the odds and cut that damned arm off. Once the amputation became reality on screen, I cringed, buried my face in my popcorn bag and wondered out loud if I would have the fortitude to do the drastic and unthinkable. However as skilled as Franco is, I believe that more could have been done with the script.
Franco does a convincing job of making the dialogue spoken to a rock face enclosure and camcorder ring true, but we never actually witness him fostering a deep human connection. Therefore I felt somewhat unconnected to him. I left feeling more that the character is a unique wonder of the human spirit, like something to be observed in a museum, rather than a lone individual who embodies the strength every human has within them for greatness and survival. The film left me wanting to know more about Ralston's life, and motivated me to click on over to amazon.com after the ending credits and place the book that the movie was based upon in my cart.
So, should you see the movie? In a word - definitely. Franco's raw and lived in performance is worth the price of admission. For young men in Hollywood, I would argue that his talent and versatility is rivaled by few others. For the faint of heart, I would suggest an extra large popcorn to hide your eyes behind.
And, of course, don't forget the water.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Potent Quoteables - Now With Peppermint!
I was idly minding my own business last night, feeding gas into my car when my breath became visible for the first time this season. While I proceeded to make a fool of myself by attempting to create frozen breath smoke rings, the first strains of 'Jingle Bells' found a way through the rest stops PA system. My frozen breath conquests abruptly ceased and the air around my face became still.
OMG - CHRISTMAS!!!
I know, I know. I'm sure I'll be able to hear your loud, not-totally-unfounded protests from here. Those of us that revel in Christmas joy hear it every year. "It's not even Thanksgiving yet! GAH! Why do I have to hear about Christmas already?" To you Christmas-haters I say, "BAH HUMBUG!" Although, this response will probably get you riled up even more as I am coming back at you with a popular Dickensian Christmas insult, but I digress.
What that errant snippet of Jingle Bells got me in the mood to talk about is Christmas movies. In a previous post a few months ago, I hyped my favorite 'quoteable' movies. However, I neglected to consider all of the holiday/Christmas movies that qualify in this category.
Here is where they get their due.
Elf
Quoteable Moment: "Buddy the Elf, What's your favorite color?"
I seriously considered answering my phone like this for awhile, but saying 'Rainey the person' didnt quite have the same ring as 'Buddy the Elf'. Also, I am clearly not Will Ferrell. Second quote in consideration is where Buddy belches for about thirty seconds of screen time, but I don't quite know how to put that inhuman noise into type....
Bad Santa
If you are an adult with a slightly twisted sense of humor, I would place this in the category of Don't Miss. A depraved Santa who drinks, smokes, and commits larceny with the assistance of a foul-mouthed elf meets a roly-poly young kid. Cue bouts of debauchery and redemption.
Quoteable Moment: "Want me to make you some sam-wich-es?" says the kid who constantly offers to make 'Santa' a meal.
A Christmas Story
Quoteable Moment: "You'll shoot your eye out kid!"
Personal Quoteable Moment: I'm a sucker for characters who pronounce things in an unorthodox manner, especially as I then am prompted to use that pronunciation as my new official way to say that word. When the dad does some ogling of the crate that holds the most highly sexualized lamp in cinema history, he coos "Frah-giiii-lay". I urge you all to try out this word at the post office when you ship presents to far away places this year. Fun!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966 TV Version, natch)
Quoteable Moment: "....his heart was two sizes too small."
Scrooged
My favorite 'Christmas Carol' adaptation. Probably because I border on an unhealthy obsession with Bill Murray, but also because the Ghost of Christmas past is a raucous horndog of a fairy, and the Ghost of Christmas Present is a chain-smoking cabbie. Are we seeing a pattern that I'm tickled by breaks with tradtion?
Quoteable Moment: Frank Cross, talking about the Ghost of Christmas Past: "The bitch hit me with a toaster!"
Mixed Nuts
This is my favorite Christmas movie of all time. In a movie that plays more like a stage production, a motley crew of misfits gather in the apartment of a financially strapped suicide hotline on Christmas Eve and hijinks ensue. Steve Martin, Rita Wilson, Juliette Lewis, Anthony LaPaglia, Liev Schreiber, Adam Sandler, and the divine Madeline Kahn round out the cast. And oh yeah, there's an awesome blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo by Parker Posey and John Stewart.
Quoteable Moment: "Gracie and Felix have turned the dead landlord into a Christmas tree and we're all going down to the boardwalk!"
OMG - CHRISTMAS!!!
I know, I know. I'm sure I'll be able to hear your loud, not-totally-unfounded protests from here. Those of us that revel in Christmas joy hear it every year. "It's not even Thanksgiving yet! GAH! Why do I have to hear about Christmas already?" To you Christmas-haters I say, "BAH HUMBUG!" Although, this response will probably get you riled up even more as I am coming back at you with a popular Dickensian Christmas insult, but I digress.
What that errant snippet of Jingle Bells got me in the mood to talk about is Christmas movies. In a previous post a few months ago, I hyped my favorite 'quoteable' movies. However, I neglected to consider all of the holiday/Christmas movies that qualify in this category.
Here is where they get their due.
Elf
Quoteable Moment: "Buddy the Elf, What's your favorite color?"
I seriously considered answering my phone like this for awhile, but saying 'Rainey the person' didnt quite have the same ring as 'Buddy the Elf'. Also, I am clearly not Will Ferrell. Second quote in consideration is where Buddy belches for about thirty seconds of screen time, but I don't quite know how to put that inhuman noise into type....
Bad Santa
If you are an adult with a slightly twisted sense of humor, I would place this in the category of Don't Miss. A depraved Santa who drinks, smokes, and commits larceny with the assistance of a foul-mouthed elf meets a roly-poly young kid. Cue bouts of debauchery and redemption.
Quoteable Moment: "Want me to make you some sam-wich-es?" says the kid who constantly offers to make 'Santa' a meal.
A Christmas Story
Quoteable Moment: "You'll shoot your eye out kid!"
Personal Quoteable Moment: I'm a sucker for characters who pronounce things in an unorthodox manner, especially as I then am prompted to use that pronunciation as my new official way to say that word. When the dad does some ogling of the crate that holds the most highly sexualized lamp in cinema history, he coos "Frah-giiii-lay". I urge you all to try out this word at the post office when you ship presents to far away places this year. Fun!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966 TV Version, natch)
Quoteable Moment: "....his heart was two sizes too small."
Scrooged
My favorite 'Christmas Carol' adaptation. Probably because I border on an unhealthy obsession with Bill Murray, but also because the Ghost of Christmas past is a raucous horndog of a fairy, and the Ghost of Christmas Present is a chain-smoking cabbie. Are we seeing a pattern that I'm tickled by breaks with tradtion?
Quoteable Moment: Frank Cross, talking about the Ghost of Christmas Past: "The bitch hit me with a toaster!"
Mixed Nuts
This is my favorite Christmas movie of all time. In a movie that plays more like a stage production, a motley crew of misfits gather in the apartment of a financially strapped suicide hotline on Christmas Eve and hijinks ensue. Steve Martin, Rita Wilson, Juliette Lewis, Anthony LaPaglia, Liev Schreiber, Adam Sandler, and the divine Madeline Kahn round out the cast. And oh yeah, there's an awesome blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo by Parker Posey and John Stewart.
Quoteable Moment: "Gracie and Felix have turned the dead landlord into a Christmas tree and we're all going down to the boardwalk!"
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