Thursday, May 27, 2010

The End of A Virtual Hiatus. Aka: Is Facebook Starting to Annoy Anyone Else?

Hello glorious blog-world! I'm back! How I've missed you!

My computer and I recently went through some rough times. However, we are both feeling much better today and are ready to team up once again!

During my seperation from my beloved computer, I found that the frequency with which I logged onto facebook decreased significantly. Upon my return, I am starting to think that a little time apart from facebook made my psyche healthier, my step a little bouncier...and dare I say my hair even looked better?

You heard it here first. My love affair with facebook is over.

This does not mean that I am going to go so far as to de-activate my account.

It DOES mean (drumroll please!) that it's time for a rant! Tah-Dah!

The Five Types of People On Facebook That Deserve A Swift and Unexpected Smack Upside the Head:

1) The Insta-Poster: Has technology become so omnipresent that something doesn't feel real until you have posted on facebook about it? In the few times I have been on facebook in the past week it has struck me as very odd and almost heartbreaking that during life-altering moments people I know have taken the time to take a picture of the event and post it as soon as it happened. Why post a picture of you canoodling with your new fiancee at the very spot he proposed, less than five minutes after? Not necessary, and kind of vomit inducing.

My favorite example of the insta-poster: One girl posting while she was IN LABOR. In labor, people. Now, I don't know about you, but I for one am not going to be concentrating on anyone else but myself when I am about to push a human life out of the holiest of orifii. In fact, I would go so far as to assume that my phone or computer would satisfy me much more as something to throw and shatter in that situation than to use in any traditional sense.

2) The Hello/Goodbye-er: These people are the easiest offenders to spot. Anyone whosays 'goodnight facebook' or 'ready to start the day, hello facebook !' immediately falls into that category, and with that deserves to have their rights as a human revoked. When I read that I envision these people giving their television sets big ole smooches when they are about to go to bed, reassuring their warm plastic friends that they will certainly be back tomorrow to watch Walker Texas Ranger reruns, infomercials, Jersey Shore or whatever it is those types of people watch.

3) The 'Gamer': All of the following are now blocked. Vampiremafiawizardfarmcityfuckyouvilles. Thank you.

4) The Righteous Facebooker: Ok now. Facebook is FREE. STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THEM TAKING AWAY YOUR PRIVACY RIGHTS! Guess what? Google does it ALL THE FUCKING TIME! And they don't tell you they're doing it! If you don't like it, guess what again motherfuckers?!?! STOP USING FACEBOOK. If someone came up to me and was like "Hey, Rain, I'll give you free groceries for life, but I'll have access to what you're buying and when." My response wouldn't be: "I have a RIGHT to those groceries, but hell NO you can't have my information!" (picture me with hands on hips wearing a self-righteous scowl). It would be: "Where have you been all my life?!" (picture me with a radiant smile on my face, excited about saving money so I can spend it on pricey spa treatments)

Lesson learned: Nothing is truly free. But if you have to pay in information instead of cash, sign me up.

5) The Whiny Bitch: How am I associated with so many people who are perpetually unhappy in their lives? No no wait. Scratch that. How am I associated with so many people who feel the need to make me unhappy with how miserable their lives are? Stop it. Maybe if you pried yourself away from facebook for five seconds instead of posting about how lonely/hungry/sick/tired you are and do normal people things like talk to people/eat/see a doctor/sleep, maaaybe you would stop barraging the world with more misery.

Whew. That's out of my system. Happier posts to come.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I Hope It's Not Contagious

The desire to be stoic and avoid the doctor or Western medication at all costs runs in my family. I wonder if it's hereditary? My father consumes massive amounts of fluids and Vitamin C when he has any sort of illness, and my grandmother scoffed at so much as an Advil when she had any sort of malady. Allowing myself to think that I can cure myself with something so small as some carrot juice and zinc supplements is almost magical in it's simplicity.


The truth it that I can only hack, wheeze and cough so much before my weakened little mind screams out to seek professional consult.

Running to my favorite doctor is exactly what I did the day after my last post. Apparently I have asthmatic bronchitis. Awesome. I have been on a steady regimen of antibiotics, allergy medicine and multiple inhalers.

Yeah, that's right. Not one, but TWO inhalers. I'll bet you're so jealous. Pause for a minute and think about that super popular kid in your middle school that toted around an inhaler and every so often whipped that puppy out, shook it like a Polaroid picture and took a deep drag. Oh wait. You can't conjure that image? That's because a super popular kid with an inhaler is something that doesn't fucking exist.

Now conjure the realistic image of that dorky kid who regularly hacked up a lung in your Bio class because it was in the basement and his sensitive system couldn't handle the mold so he got transferred to another class and you all laughed at him and pointed when he passed in the hallways.....(much easier to call up that image, right?)...multiply that image by two and you've got me. The medical community really needs to speed up development of a medication that has a hip reputation, like hallucinogens. Chop-chop, medical community!

I now regularly engage in covert missions to sneak to my office during conferences to sip on the sweet powdery relief from my new plastic buddies. Everyone knows. It's almost shameful.

After my days of tiptoe-ing around at work, I want to just veg out on the couch and surf mindlessly around on the inter-web. (Inhalers and an uncontrollable impulse to call it the inter-web, I think the bronchitis came with a heaping side of 'geek'.) But the universe had other plans. It said "oh no no no Miss Rainey, not so fast! Your computer will come down with a deathly illness as well! MuhahahahahHAAAAAA!!!!"

My poor, unsuspecting computer! Is it possible that through my close proximity to my computer I gave it a virus? I am not sure if human-computer contagion is even possible. I ran for my inhaler, trying to treat the computer the only way I knew how. The USB port looked like a natural match for the mouthpiece of the second inhaler, so I attached the plastic device and gave it a life-infusing blast of medicine. It didn't do anything! I briefly toyed with the idea of sharing my antibiotics, but there was no suitably sized outlet. Out of ideas, I panicked and started pressing buttons. Wrong thing to do.

Ok, apparently last thing you want to do when confronted with a computer virus is randomly press buttons. Or force useless medications on your computer. Blame it on the fever. Thankfully Chris is something of a computer whisperer and will be in the process of fixing my computer this weekend.

Until then it's just me and my inhaler. Correction: Inhalers.