The End of A Virtual Hiatus. Aka: Is Facebook Starting to Annoy Anyone Else?

Hello glorious blog-world! I'm back! How I've missed you!

My computer and I recently went through some rough times. However, we are both feeling much better today and are ready to team up once again!

During my seperation from my beloved computer, I found that the frequency with which I logged onto facebook decreased significantly. Upon my return, I am starting to think that a little time apart from facebook made my psyche healthier, my step a little bouncier...and dare I say my hair even looked better?

You heard it here first. My love affair with facebook is over.

This does not mean that I am going to go so far as to de-activate my account.

It DOES mean (drumroll please!) that it's time for a rant! Tah-Dah!

The Five Types of People On Facebook That Deserve A Swift and Unexpected Smack Upside the Head:

1) The Insta-Poster: Has technology become so omnipresent that something doesn't feel real until you have posted on facebook about it? In the few times I have been on facebook in the past week it has struck me as very odd and almost heartbreaking that during life-altering moments people I know have taken the time to take a picture of the event and post it as soon as it happened. Why post a picture of you canoodling with your new fiancee at the very spot he proposed, less than five minutes after? Not necessary, and kind of vomit inducing.

My favorite example of the insta-poster: One girl posting while she was IN LABOR. In labor, people. Now, I don't know about you, but I for one am not going to be concentrating on anyone else but myself when I am about to push a human life out of the holiest of orifii. In fact, I would go so far as to assume that my phone or computer would satisfy me much more as something to throw and shatter in that situation than to use in any traditional sense.

2) The Hello/Goodbye-er: These people are the easiest offenders to spot. Anyone whosays 'goodnight facebook' or 'ready to start the day, hello facebook !' immediately falls into that category, and with that deserves to have their rights as a human revoked. When I read that I envision these people giving their television sets big ole smooches when they are about to go to bed, reassuring their warm plastic friends that they will certainly be back tomorrow to watch Walker Texas Ranger reruns, infomercials, Jersey Shore or whatever it is those types of people watch.

3) The 'Gamer': All of the following are now blocked. Vampiremafiawizardfarmcityfuckyouvilles. Thank you.

4) The Righteous Facebooker: Ok now. Facebook is FREE. STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THEM TAKING AWAY YOUR PRIVACY RIGHTS! Guess what? Google does it ALL THE FUCKING TIME! And they don't tell you they're doing it! If you don't like it, guess what again motherfuckers?!?! STOP USING FACEBOOK. If someone came up to me and was like "Hey, Rain, I'll give you free groceries for life, but I'll have access to what you're buying and when." My response wouldn't be: "I have a RIGHT to those groceries, but hell NO you can't have my information!" (picture me with hands on hips wearing a self-righteous scowl). It would be: "Where have you been all my life?!" (picture me with a radiant smile on my face, excited about saving money so I can spend it on pricey spa treatments)

Lesson learned: Nothing is truly free. But if you have to pay in information instead of cash, sign me up.

5) The Whiny Bitch: How am I associated with so many people who are perpetually unhappy in their lives? No no wait. Scratch that. How am I associated with so many people who feel the need to make me unhappy with how miserable their lives are? Stop it. Maybe if you pried yourself away from facebook for five seconds instead of posting about how lonely/hungry/sick/tired you are and do normal people things like talk to people/eat/see a doctor/sleep, maaaybe you would stop barraging the world with more misery.

Whew. That's out of my system. Happier posts to come.