Tuesday, June 8, 2010

If I Only Had A Brain

Generally my least favorite thing at work is filing. Or so at least this is what I tell people. In truth, once I find the time to do it, I kind of like the little hideaway that is the clinics third floor chart room. No one there but me and 500 plastic three ring binders. Those charts don't talk back, they don't ask or demand anything from me. It's a little refuge from the general back-breaking, unpredictable pace of my work day. So while I do this busy work my mind is free to wander to all sorts of places.

Today in my alone time reverie I caught myself absentmindedly singing a snippet of a song that I was listening to in the car on the way to work. That song happened to be 'Traveling Riverside Blues' by Led Zeppelin.

For those of you not familiar with the lyrics, let me enlighten you to the sexual-innuendo laden refrain of that song.

"Squeeze my lemon, till the juice runs down my leg! Squeeze it so hard, I fall right out of bed!"

So there I was, bopping around the chart room, dancing my charts to the topmost shelf, singing a lyric about handjobs. That of course is when the new employee walked by the chart room door that I had foolishly forgotten to close. I froze. Chart in my left hand, stretching up to the ceiling shelf, foot kicked back in an approximation of the Elaine dance. If I had a picture, I would most certainly post it here because I am sure it would amuse to no end.

As my new co-worker started to scuttle away from the door in what I can only assume was fear, my brain went "This is what you look like when you are alone. Oh shit." Then, in rapid fire it began to cycle through song lyrics to search for a work-safe replacement for 'squeeze my lemon'.

Unfortunately my brain only has two go-to lyrics. And each of them terrorize me over and over and over with the same four to nine words. The first is bad. The theme song to 'Charles in Charge'. This accompanied by a lovely image of a pubescent Scott Baio running down a staircase in ginormous gleaming white hitops. It's like watching the credits to that show on a continuous agonizing loop....until I get song number two lodged in the ol' noggin.

"If I Only Had A Brain...doo doop doo doop doo doop!"

Ouch. Brain adding insult to injury by telling itself that it needs some revamping.

This must be so, because otherwise I wouldn't still have it in my head from my chart room mishap.

Or...wait...neither would you. You're welcome. Muhahahahaahaaaaa!

Awesome Side Note: I remembered that during my hiatus I was bestowed with a few amazingly generous awards by several readers! Next post = acceptance and humble thanks to the lovely bloggers!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Craving = Satisfied

Now that I live out in the boondocks, I have lost many things. The ability to shop for anything at all past 9:30pm, free weekly trash pickup, a delightful sliver of an ocean view, being within walking distance of my sister, and the occasional gang shooting on my front lawn. I didn't say they were all good things, now did I?

Principal among the things that I actually miss is my favorite southern comfort food restaurant. Oooooh gooey baked mac and cheese, collared greens and crispy hot fried chicken.

What do I do when I have a craving? I want to satisfy that bitch ASAP.

My lazy ass 'southern' meal:

boxed mac and cheese + frozen popcorn chicken + quick chopped broccoli = instant deliciousness

I promise my blog will become less like a ghetto version of the food network in upcoming posts.