Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Do You Have A Cat Named Garfield?

I sat down on my couch tonight to write a blog post. Guess what? My body has a case of the sniffles and refuses to allow my brain any sort of clarity.

Sooooo you all get my recipe for LASAGNA!!! Enjoy and hopefully my body will have recuperated by tomorrow so that I can finish one of the six posts I started today....

First: boil the lasagna pasta until a little below al dente. Rinse with cold water to stop the cooking. I know rinsing with cold water is bad for nutrients and all, but I don't really eat lasagna for the nutrients so I say rinse away!

Second Component: Filling! This I vary almost every time I make it. I always start by sauteing about 2-3 cloves of garlic in a couple tablespoons of olive oil, and then put in about half of a large diced sweet yellow onion, a packet of frozen spinach, a chopped broccoli crown (including the stem), and mushrooms. Sometimes if I'm feeling craaaazy I'll put in some zucchini, squash or toasted pine nuts, or sometimes ground turkey. I salt and pepper this mixture until it tastes yummy just on its own, and the veggies are still a little firm.

Third Component: Sauce. I usually buy Barilla, but really any sauce is fine. For lasagna my grandmother used to say that you don't really have to make sauce because theres already a ton of other variable fillings in a lasagna, and methinks she's right. I also usually only use one regular sized jar, but I don't like a lot of sauce, so more is good too. More just makes a bigger mess when you eat it though.

Fourth Component: Ricotta. Mmmmmm. Mix one large egg and some dried oregano (I'd say approx 1-2 tablespoons) into one large tub of the ricotta of your choice.

Fifth Component: Shredded Mozzarella cheese. Buy one to two large bags, depending on how much cheese you like.

Sixth Component (only for the top of the lasagna): Wedge of Peccorino Romano or Parmesan Cheese. I prefer the Peccorino because it doesn't go bad for a realllllly long time, and really you don't need the whole wedge for just one lasagna.

Then: LAYER! It's my favorite part! Like a craft project. Put a little sauce to coat the bottom so the lasagna doesn't stick, and then a layer of pasta, layer of ricotta (spread evenly over the pasta with the back of a spoon, not just in dollops), then veggies, sauce (spread evenly again) and mozz cheese. I've found that this layering process makes the least amount of mess, but that's another thing that's open to interpretation. Its gonna taste the same no matter how you layer the thing. Usually its about three layers, and I go right to the top of my baking pan.

The top of the lasagna, I just put a thin layer of sauce and about half a cup of the mozz, or whatevers leftover from the bag, but not enough to cover the sauce. I then shred the Peccorino liberally over the top to complete covering the sauce.

Cover in foil, and bake in the oven at 350 for about 40-45 minutes. Then take the foil off and bake until cheese is golden brown. Yum yum. You've got yourself a lasagna!!!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Potent Quotables

My ridiculous last post did actually happen.

Wow. Drunk blogging equals very interesting. Like a drunk dial only to a much larger audience. I also think I discovered drunk facebooking on Saturday. Not so much a discovery as a realization to keep my schnockered face the hell away from a computer or any electronic devices of any sort while inebriated.

However, I did very much enjoy 'Hot Tub Time Machine'. What an emminently quotable movie! How to know a movie is 'quoteable'? Tip #1: A movie is certainly quotable when you can remember quotes while five Captain and Diets deep.

Tip #2: If you hear people quote dialogue from the movie on the subway. Bonus points if your morning latte involuntarily shoots out of a bodily orifice upon hearing the quote.

Tip #3: Can you have a quote battle with friends? To the death? Oh yes, that movie has it!

The Princess Bride

This entire movie is basically just one gigantic quote. From "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die." to "I'm not a witch, I'm you're wife!!!" to "As you wish" this movie is a pantheon of word gold.

Ultimate quotable moment: "MAWWWAGHHHGE. Mawaghge is woht bwings usss togebber todhaaaaay." Alright. Admittedly this quote is truly only a quote because of the freaky priests sublime speech impediment, but it is just oodles of fun to say. Plus, I have actually heard people say this, in public at really odd moments. So this quote wins.

The Breakfast Club

Ultimate quotable moment: "Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?"

Pulp Fiction

Ultimate quotable moment: "SAY WHAT AGAIN MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

My personal quotable moment: When the Wolf (motherfucking Harvey Keitel!) steps in and takes action. "Pretty please, with sugar on top. Clean the fuckin' car."


Ultimate quotable moment: Ok, so it's a toss up because both of these quotes fall out of my mouth on a weekly if not daily basis. "I love lamp." and "Milk was a bad choice!!!"

Wonder Boys

Perhaps not the most well known movie, but one of my personal favorites. If you haven't seen it I highly suggest that you shuffle it up to the top of your Netfix queue if you like any of the following: A perpetually stoned Michael Douglas, transvestites, pink fuzzy robes, greenhouses, Robert Downey Jr, women named Oola, and/or literature. And, oh yeah, it's super quoteable. Thank me later.

Ultimate quoteable moment: James Leer: Now, that is a big trunk. It holds a tuba, a suitcase, a dead dog, and a garment bag almost perfectly.
Grady Tripp: That's just what they used to say in the ads.

The Big Lebowski

Ultimate quoteable moment/quote for any occasion, anywhere, anytime: "The dude abides."

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Better Read This Before I Think Twice And Delete This Post.....

Ok, so I am a bit tipsy, and I am a bit motivated to blog.

My electronically inclined boyfriend refuses to show me how to drunk vlog, so this is what y'all get I suppose.

A rambling on why 'Hot Tub Time Machine' is WAY better than the remake of 'Death at a Funeral'.

Yep folks, drunk bOGLglging has never been so boring. Except for the typos which I refuse ot correctt.

From now on refuse fo correcrt.

I was trying to be dilligent aboyt correcting the imperfections, but the Wall-dog has lodged himself in my lap, making that almost physically impossible without help.

SO. Here I am, having watched two movies tonight. Which is more superior? HOT TUB TIME MACHINE. GO SEE IT.

Then forget you read this drunk en post.

Thanks for your patience.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Impersonal Convienience

How I love self check out.

I am slightly tired today, having carted the less than excited Wall-dog to his last obedience training. Our recent move and travel during rush hour made the trip quite a process, but we have a blue ribbon and a chewy toy to show for it!

After returning from the almost four hour excursion for a one hour session, I had to nip to the grocery store to pick up a few essentials.

- 1 1/2 lbs of fresh salmon for dinner (I had all the other makings)
- package of hair ties
- 3 energy save lightbulbs
- package of condoms
- 1/2 gallon milk

Now, I thought about my mish mash of items as I meandered sleepily up to the register. My mind told me that I am very lucky to have mastered the beast of the self checkout, and that no one is more grateful than I that it exists. Not only am I spared other people man handling my goods, but I also am not forced to go through the paces of making small chit chat with the kid I used to babysit for in high school as he eyes my dubious assortment of purchases.

As the waves of relief washed over me like a peaceful ocean, I realized that moving back to my home town may have made me more jaded. More appreciative of automatons who do my bidding with no pleasantries or judging required. Am I a horrible person? Way gone are the days of being all pally with Mr. Hunter the butcher and asking him for his wifey's recipe for lamb stew.

Now it seems that humans just want to scan their swill while taking orders from a electronic lady-voice who sounds pissed as hell that she has to live in that machine and announce that you've just scanned a 12 pack of condoms.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Screw Apples

If researchers have a say, you could soon be hallucinating your way to better health.

"Scientists are taking a new look at hallucinogens, which became taboo among regulators after enthusiasts like Timothy Leary promoted them in the 1960s with the slogan “Turn on, tune in, drop out.” Now, using rigorous protocols and safeguards, scientists have won permission to study once again the drugs’ potential for treating mental problems and illuminating the nature of consciousness."- New York Times, front page article 4/12/10

Rexella would certainly not approve.

For me though, the jury's still out.

Having lived a past life as a satisfied and delighted consumer of hallucinogens, and a present life as a substance abuse counselor, I feel conflicted as to what outcomes I would ideally like this research to produce.

The 'Counselor' Thinks...
My mind immediately darts to and scans the comparison of hallucinogens to marijuana as a potential medicinal substance.

At the agency I toil for, we do not currently test for THC on our toxicology panel. Why? It's hella expensive, THC stays in the system for-ev-er, and we are far more concerned about substances that can actively kill or literally physically debiliate an individual, which (surpriiiise!) marijuana does not.

Also, the apparent slow and steady legalization (read: legislative indifference)of marijuana as both a medicinal and recreational substance is definitely of note. (You can find an enlightening recent article regarding this state of the Union here at the Economist.) At the agency I work for, we medicate all opiate-dependent clients with a medication called methadone*.

Now - just like with marijuana, some people take advantage of this medication, some don't. Although it's prescribed purpose is not the same. For some methadone is a 'miracle' medication that can bring those individuals in the throes of addiction back from a lifetime in the judicial and state systems. But, even those who take it and benefit from it's intended purpose are conflicted about taking it on a regular basis. Like my grandmother with Advil, some people are wary about taking something, anything that will alter their chemistry, even if it is basically inert and assists them in living a more productive life.

What might people think about a mind altering medication? Like hallucinogens? Who would be first in line? Would people who have never walked the line and used any substances even want to take it? Would it only be for those who want to work the system to get legal grade hallucinogens?

I give up. There are too many variables as the counselor. I'm sitting here, head spinning like Linda Blair from the Exorcist. Pea soup is threatening to spew out of my face at any minute, so lets go to a happier place.

The 'Consumer' Thinks:
Young Rainey sobs at the inherent beauty of disintegrating fall leaves in the dewy dirt as she stands listening to the trunk of a grand, statuesque oak tree. She breaths in and out. In and out. In and in and in and out. Feels at one with the world. She decides to bathe herself with the leaves and laughs with joy at how everything seems as one. Laughs to hear her laughter. Gets 'stuck' in her head and is rescued by her beloved friend stretching out to offer a piece of sticky crystalized ginger. Oh goodness. It is like a universe dancing on her taste buds....

Safe to say that 'Consumer' Rainey is all for hallucinogens becoming a bigger part of our lives.

Thank you for sticking with this rambling post. And be assured I was on no hallucinogens while creating it. White wine on the other hand is another story...

*Please feel free to ask me questions at any time about methadone, because it is quite misunderstood in our society and I would like to educate and be a conduit for decreasing undeserved negative stigma wherever possible.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Don't Drink the Kool Aid....

I awoke with a start to this woman on my TV.

Her cloyingly soft and lilting voice was speaking to me about the avian flu, and how I could prevent it by bringing Jesus Christ into my heart. Or something. I'm half awake.

Since I have been blessed with the miracle that is a DVR (thank you Jesus!) I was able to rewind the part where she stared deep into my soul and informed me that if I pray a certain prayer I'll be forgiven for EVERYTHING! "Drugs, alcohol, promiscuity as far as sex is concerned!"

What other kind of promiscuity is there lady?! And how does this woman know what I need to be forgiven for? Creepy.

To tell the truth, for the first few minutes I thought I had fallen asleep to Adult Swim, and this was some new comic sketch segue. I mean, come on people. The womans name is REXELLA VAN IMPE!

It's all the more facinating because this shit is for real.

More on this tomorrow. Unless I've been saved by Christ.

According to Rexella salvation only costs $24.95.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Nostalgia and the Lonely Chiquita

In the old apartment, I used to collect stickers from produce and showcase them on my cabinets for all to see. 'See! I eat a lot of vegetables and fruit! I am healthy! And the best cook ever!'

I suppose those thoughts are a bit of a stretch. Basically I just liked them because I thought they looked cool. It was a bitch to scrape all those fuckers off when we left the apartment, but lookie what we have here:

A potential love affair on my kitchen cabinet! Now, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't purposefully place them in close proximity to one another. I was trying to hook a girl up! That Squash is basically asking for it. Ms. Chiquita, with her come hither eyes and perfectly coiffed hair gazes up at Squash expectantly in all his big-lipped glory.

I know, I know what you're thinking. He doesn't look too excited about hooking up with hottie Ms. Chiquita, but there you'd be wrong.

Can you imagine banana squash hybrid babies? I would call it a squanana.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

It Shocks and Boils...

I danced into my door two days ago, my poor bladder a victim of a new commute and unexpected traffic.

I sat down to...ya know...do my business. Then I stretched my arm behind me to retrieve a couple squares.


Gaaahhh!!! I got shocked with my pants down! And not in a good way. Most definitely not in a good way.

What the fuck TP dispenser?! What did I ever do to you? Fucking ouch! It felt like I had inserted my finger into a live electrical socket (and yes, I have done that before). At the most vulnerable of places, I was caught with some now-frizzy hair and an intense fear of an inanimate object with which I now needed to coexist peacefully and interact with on a quite regular basis.

I tentatively tapped the dispenser again, because I'm a daredevil like that.

Nothing. Untrusting fingertips met cool metal.





So I went about my day. Convinced myself that it was nothing. Perchance it was a bit of static electricity or a fluke brought about by a smidge too much road rage. I was solid in my convictions until my boyfriend called me at work the next day.

Chris: "Whatever you do, do NOT touch the dispenser in the bathroom."
Me: "Oh! Yeah! Did I tell you it bit me last night?"
Chris: "What are you rambling about woman? There are 500 volts of electricity running through that shit and if you touch it while standing in water you. will. die."

Can you imagine if Chris had come home and found me lying unconscious, pale as a ghost, drool pooled on the tile below the porcelain throne? What the hell would have gone through his mind?! Probably something along the lines of "Oh, shit, I guess she was a cocaine fiend all along" or "Was she eating a peanut butter sandwich?".

We had contractors in the house sheet rocking our ceiling and for some reason I have yet to ascertain they hooked up a shock-detecto-meter (I think that's the technical term) to the little, seemingly innocuous TP dispenser. They must've been in for a surprise when the needle frantically jumped like a shellacked Kardashian to the papparazzo. Apparently the dumbass who had installed the thing had ratcheted in a metal screw directly into a highly charged electrical wire. How this mystery person did not shock himself into oblivion is beyond my scope of comprehension.

Chris took some of our leftover bubble wrap and cushioned the offending bathroom appliance from stupid hands and the ever curious Wall-dog nose. Today, an electrican came, and COULDN'T FIND WHERE THE WIRE GOES TO!!!

Ah, new house. Methinks you are going to be a troublemaker.

Extra Bathroom Mishap Bonus!!!
My lovely cousin just moved into a renovated house in which the brilliant plumber hooked up the hot water to her guest toilet. This resulted in a toilet bowl full of a roiling, boiling, steamy mess. I'd like to think that the plumber was not so much a bloody moron as he was an avid fan of pasta.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Homeless Person Wins Blog Awards, News at Eleven

Oh how I've missed you blog-o-sphere!

My absence is explained thusly: To complete our move, my boyfriend and I meticulously packed up all of our worldly possessions last Saturday night. We then headed over to our new house, (owned by my boyfriends family...that is a way long story that would be better explained in its own post) 40 miles away in the ol' U-Haul. The U-Haul rattled up the driveway with us in eager anticipation to unpack and go about making the house our new home.

But wait. What were our eager eyes greeted with when we arrived?

The fucking asshole bitch who lived in the house HADN'T MOVED OUT yet!!! Her two deadbeat twenty-something sons were sitting contentedly on the floor playing video games while she was out at the bar drinking. We stood, freezing in the driveway as her son explained to us that they wouldn't be out until the 'end of the month'. Even though she hadn't paid rent for the past two months. Yeah, real nice. Welcome home.

Therefore, over the past week I have lived a transient, Internet-less existence, crashing from place to place as my boyfriend and I tried in vain to tie up loose ends at the old apartment and continue work on starting up his business.

Let's just say the rest of the week didn't go well...it was pretty awful actually.

Except for my ray of sunshine. My two blog awards!

First, the Beautiful Blogger Award! From my lovely Jordan FACE.

Second, the Oh, My Blog! Award! From the amazing TB at Year 31.

Now, not that I don't love love love the Beautiful Blogger award, but I am truly excited about the acceptance terms of TB's OMB! Award, and would like to award this coveted digital green square to as many bloggers as possible to spread the love.

Side note: If anyone is super interested in the 'seven things' that I was supposed to post as acceptance for the Beautiful Blogger award, I will say this. I could post a list of things like "I really love peanut M&M's!" (I do, by the way) But then people may not be interested in what I think is interesting about myself....also, I blog about randomness in my life all the time. The way for me to address this is if any of you lovely readers truly want to know something about little old me, post it in the comments or e-mail me and I will answer honestly and in detail in a subsequent post. I promise.

So, acceptance terms for OMB! are stated thusly:

1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER.

2. Choose ONE of the following options for accepting the OMB! award:

(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.

(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.

(c) Write a "Soundtrack of your childhood" blog. (click here for an example)

(d) Make your next blog a "vlog", or video blog. Basically, you talking to the camera about whatever.

(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (makeup, brush hair, pee, etc.) and post it.

3. Pass the award on to at least three, but preferably more, awesome bloggers like yourself. Don't forget to tell them (duh).


As I have been homeless over the past week, my only real option here was e. As I have already demonstrated a complete lack of vanity in previous posts, I saw it only befitting to post some gems of me here as a preliminary acceptance of the award. Stay tuned for possible drunk vlogging in the future.

Taken via iPhone circa third day of homelessness. I actually didn't think I looked bad enough in this picture, so I then decided to do this....

You're welcome.

Pass the torch:

Yaaaaay! I love love love this part! I am always one of those freaks at Christmas that loves to watch people open my carefully selected presents more than actually getting presents myself. So 'trumpet sound':

1) DJ Buttaskotch at A Cream Filled Blog! This blog is fantastically random and laugh out loud funny. And how could I not love someone who asks Yahoo Answers how long it takes to get from Philly to Narnia via train?

2) Mr. Apron at My Masonic Apron. This guy had me hooked from the first post I read. He has a witty, often dry and always distinctive voice that comes through crystal clear in print with little or no help from any visual aids. Not an easy feat.

3) Billy at "Why?", "How?", and other abstract questions. How could I not adore and want to follow to the ends of the earth someone who also goes by the moniker of Organic Meatbag. Yes, I am friends with a meatbag and loving it! I want to steal his joyous and captivating writing style and make it my own.

4) Wow, that was Awkward at It Was Dark, Stormy and I Lost My Serial Comma Hysterical and well written, this dude has it all.

5) David at I've Never Been Good With Titles! This guy blogs with style. He posts lots of awesome videos too, which is good for the ADD side of my noggin.

6) Amanda at Tales From The Chicken Coop: A day in the life of Mrs. Chicken This chicky is so funny and basically I just want to hang out with her and have random adventures on a regular basis. Too bad she lives 3000 miles away from me. Oh well.

7) Crazy Brunette at One Crazy Brunette Chick. This girl says and does everything that the little party-girl in my head screams at me all day long. She is unflinchingly honest, brassy and bold. Not wanting to dictate the terms of her acceptance of this award...but I would like to go on the record saying that I would absolutely adore to see a drunk blog come from this Brunette.

Ok, so I apologize for this ridiculously long blog. Now that I finally have a home and glorious internet, you can expect more coherent posts that are also more reader friendly in brevity.