Monday, January 31, 2011

Live Blog From Traffic Court ***UPDATED**

I survey the room. Amoeba-shaped coffee stains permeate the rug...the stains even seem to be dying of boredom.  Funny because there's no coffee here. There used to be coffee here! Why have I been to this court room so often? Twice for speeding tickets and once for an agonizing six hour day of jury duty in which my noble contribution to society as a civil servant was to read a copy of 2009 Spring Vogue cover to cover eight times.  By the end of that day I fancied myself an expert on upcoming spring fashion. I blame that day for my continued love of coral and lavender nail polishes.....

Anyways, to stave off my boredom, I have decided to post my first live blog as well as my first time blogging from my phone, so please bear with me! Updates to follow.

2:54pm - A break in the boredom!  
Dude next to me just told another lady that he took a Xanax before coming here. Woah guy.....if a 30 something man has to pop a pill before coming to traffic court, there are gonna be bigger problems in store for him in his future.

2:57pm - Now up comes the magistrate and I get to match faces to everyones charges...what I might argue is a very intrusive but interesting part of the court process. Like watching a live and shortened version of Peoples Court or Judge Judy, only the magistrate doesn't seem to be a sassy red headed lady. And, even more dissapointing, he doesn't have a gavel. Boo.

3:00pm - Thinking that it would be really funny if I started to carry a 'get out of jail free' card from Monopoly around with me. My sister somehow wrangled a legit 'get out of jail free' card from some official she knows....but it doesn't have the cool guy with the wings on it. I wonder what would happen if I handed one in the Monopoly-style to the magistrate....or to the next cop that pulls me over.

3:12pm - The magistrate calls me up and dismisses my case (talking on a cell phone, first offense) but only after the lawyer lady scolds me because my hands free headset looks too new. Yeah lady, I totally bought it yesterday for a ticket issued in August. I don't like change, wanna fight about it?

3:15pm - Find my way outside and retrieve my spray can of mace that I had buried in a pile of snow as I was banned from brining it into the courthouse.

Thanks for bearing with me all! Updated thoughts on courtrooming, breaking the law and live phone blogging to follow later tonight.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Righteous Hilarity Brought To You By Annoying Airhorn!

You wouldn't think that having a bedroom window overlook a busy intersection would be beneficial.'re right. It has zero benefits. And in the two places Chris and I have lived we have had the misfortune of a bedroom situated in the most inconvenient quadrant of living space. As the two of us are basically nocturnal, this has historically been something of a problem. Going to sleep when the 'normal' world greets the day may be acceptable when living in a sun dappled cabin miles away from civilization or when having a job that necessitates a 6am bedtime such as a nursing shift.

Of course instead of joining the ranks of regularly snoozing society, we suffer through the screech of Britney Spears from an open window, a siren call of a bickering couple with the window down, the jarring thump of floor vibrating bass (someone please tell me how the hell that's enjoyable inside the car?), piercing blasts emitted from garbage trucks, the chalkboard scrape of snowplows, etc etc....

Inventing nonsensical games helps ease the insomnia.

Enter Airhorn!

I cannot take credit for this amazing idea. One day, fed up with all of the crazies on the streets of South Norwalk, Chris was prompted with an idea.

Chris: "What if whenever anyone did something that is completely unacceptable, like raping the worlds ears with a jacked up demo of their techno band through open car windows, we just ran up to them with an airhorn and blasted it right in their face!"

Me: (after laughing has subsided) "Yes! Can we do that please?"

Chris: "We should totally have a TV show! Call it 'Annoying Airhorn'. I would watch that show."

So the question is - Who wants to fund the pilot season of 'Annoying Airhorn'? I figure the bulk of the budget will be in legal fees to battle restraining order and breach of peace charges. Small price to pay for righteous hilarity.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Buffalo x 8 = Sentence!

I recently discovered quite possibly the most amazing sentence in the English language. Better than 'Have you lost weight?'. Maybe even better than 'Free drinks for everyone!' Light years ahead of that nutty palindrome 'Able was I, ere I saw Elba.'

I'm talking about a sentence that defies everything of what I think a sentence should be. A sentence that took me a good twenty minutes to fully understand.

'Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.'

Now I can't stop saying it.

For a complete explanation you can click on over to here where my good friends at wikipedia broke it down for me in basic terms.

But if one is to believe the message of the sentence, there are some seriously pissy buffalo in Buffalo, NY. Someone has to get over there and do some serious counseling and peacemaking. Especially for animals with such sensitive looking faces but potentially deadly weaponry upon their noggins. It could spell disaster for the buffalo population of upstate New York!


P.S. Upon sending the link to the wikipedia article to my lovely mother, she responded with an e-mail ending in the signature 'Mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom....sooooo not a sentence!' She's adorable!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Golden Predictions 2011

For almost two decades I have been an avid watcher of the Golden Globes, the precursor to Hollywoods holiest of awards shows, the Oscars. Despite the possible implications behind winning an award at the GG's, they always give off a fun, relaxed atmosphere and, of course, the show always promises to showcase the best and worst of red carpet fashion.

On the eve of the 2011 Golden Globes, I wanted to take the opportunity to channel my inner psychic and put out some predictions prior to the awards being presented. These predictions are based solely on information I have stumbled upon in the media over the past months, coupled with my own personal opinions.

Disclaimer(s) - I have not seen the movie 'The Kings Speech', which from what I understand is a strong contender in all categories for which it is nominated.

Golden Predictions 2011! (Film Only)

Best Picture (Drama) - The Social Network

Best Picture (Comedy or Musical) - The Kids Are Alright

Best Director (Overall) - David Fincher, The Social Network

Best Actor (Drama) - Colin Firth, The Kings Speech

Best Actress (Drama) - Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Best Actor (Comedy or Musical) - Kevin Spacey, Casino Jack

Best Actress (Comedy or Musical) - Annette Benning, The Kids Are Alright

Best Supporting Actor (Overall) - Christian Bale, The Fighter

Best Supporting Actress (Overall) - Melissa Leo, The Fighter

Best Screenplay - Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network

Best Original Score - Trent Reznor and Atticus Rose, The Social Network

Best Animated Feature - Toy Story 3 (although another disclaimer, this is the only picture I have seen in this category)

I apologize for the brevity of this post, just wanted to make sure it was properly posted before the actual awards so I'm not tempted to 'cheat' in any way.

I decided I 'win' if I hit 75% or better.

Happy fashion bashing everyone!!!