Why am I such a bad blogger?
My past few returns to blogging have been oh-so-brief and bookended by long stretches of time. I have a few ideas why...
It's not that I haven't been thinking of my beloved blog, because I certainly do! All the time! I maintain lengthy lists of blog ideas that I add to on a frequent basis stored in my phone, and I even have a handful of almost completed posts saved on blogger.com. If someone were simply observing only my behaviors, and not my actual blog, they would think that I was a productive, active blogger and not what I actually am ---
A bad blogger.
For someone who loves words, who in fact totes around a dog-eared copy of Rogets Thesaurus in her car the term 'bad blogger' rings a little too stale. My blog-posting habits might be more accurately described as 'anxious blogger', 'scared blogger', 'negligent blogger', or even 'trying-really-hard-to-be-ambivalent blogger'. Truly, I have sat in front of my blank computer screen more than once over the past two months, paralyzed with fear that the resulting blog post might not be good enough. Generally this feeling abounds after I've read good chunks of genius authors like Mary Karr or David Foster Wallace....but even in the back of my head I know that they too struggled with uncertainty, anxiety and rejection. I even know that failure comes with the territory of any project that I personally will ever attempt in my life.
So, in reality, there really is no other term than 'bad blogger' to describe my absence. Because, really, I am the only one who is accountable for what gets posted and what does not get posted. Even now, discouraging thoughts are racing through my brain... "Does this post accurately encapsulate what I am thinking? Are people going to read and understand how I feel? Is this just a waste of time? OMG if I can't muster the gumption to maintain a blog then how am I ever going to write short stories or even 'gulp' a novel?!?"
My brain is evil sometimes.
I am not going to declare that my blogging neuroses have been defeated or even that I am going to blog faithfully as I have promised in the past. Because that is a promise that is sure to be broken at some point in time, and the anxious voice in my brain will take that and run with it when the time comes. In anticipating that nebbish bitch of a voice, I will only say the following.
Blogging makes me a better person. Blogging activates my mind in a way that few activities have. My mood, imagination, enthusiasm, and insight are always improved for having sent a blog post out into the electronic ether. I am going to try and post more frequently despite the nagging voice in my head that tells me it's not good enough....that I'm not good enough. Because there's always a reason to not do something. I need to start concentrating on why I can, and why I should.
Because there's a million reasons to succeed.