Thursday, May 27, 2010

The End of A Virtual Hiatus. Aka: Is Facebook Starting to Annoy Anyone Else?

Hello glorious blog-world! I'm back! How I've missed you!

My computer and I recently went through some rough times. However, we are both feeling much better today and are ready to team up once again!

During my seperation from my beloved computer, I found that the frequency with which I logged onto facebook decreased significantly. Upon my return, I am starting to think that a little time apart from facebook made my psyche healthier, my step a little bouncier...and dare I say my hair even looked better?

You heard it here first. My love affair with facebook is over.

This does not mean that I am going to go so far as to de-activate my account.

It DOES mean (drumroll please!) that it's time for a rant! Tah-Dah!

The Five Types of People On Facebook That Deserve A Swift and Unexpected Smack Upside the Head:

1) The Insta-Poster: Has technology become so omnipresent that something doesn't feel real until you have posted on facebook about it? In the few times I have been on facebook in the past week it has struck me as very odd and almost heartbreaking that during life-altering moments people I know have taken the time to take a picture of the event and post it as soon as it happened. Why post a picture of you canoodling with your new fiancee at the very spot he proposed, less than five minutes after? Not necessary, and kind of vomit inducing.

My favorite example of the insta-poster: One girl posting while she was IN LABOR. In labor, people. Now, I don't know about you, but I for one am not going to be concentrating on anyone else but myself when I am about to push a human life out of the holiest of orifii. In fact, I would go so far as to assume that my phone or computer would satisfy me much more as something to throw and shatter in that situation than to use in any traditional sense.

2) The Hello/Goodbye-er: These people are the easiest offenders to spot. Anyone whosays 'goodnight facebook' or 'ready to start the day, hello facebook !' immediately falls into that category, and with that deserves to have their rights as a human revoked. When I read that I envision these people giving their television sets big ole smooches when they are about to go to bed, reassuring their warm plastic friends that they will certainly be back tomorrow to watch Walker Texas Ranger reruns, infomercials, Jersey Shore or whatever it is those types of people watch.

3) The 'Gamer': All of the following are now blocked. Vampiremafiawizardfarmcityfuckyouvilles. Thank you.

4) The Righteous Facebooker: Ok now. Facebook is FREE. STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THEM TAKING AWAY YOUR PRIVACY RIGHTS! Guess what? Google does it ALL THE FUCKING TIME! And they don't tell you they're doing it! If you don't like it, guess what again motherfuckers?!?! STOP USING FACEBOOK. If someone came up to me and was like "Hey, Rain, I'll give you free groceries for life, but I'll have access to what you're buying and when." My response wouldn't be: "I have a RIGHT to those groceries, but hell NO you can't have my information!" (picture me with hands on hips wearing a self-righteous scowl). It would be: "Where have you been all my life?!" (picture me with a radiant smile on my face, excited about saving money so I can spend it on pricey spa treatments)

Lesson learned: Nothing is truly free. But if you have to pay in information instead of cash, sign me up.

5) The Whiny Bitch: How am I associated with so many people who are perpetually unhappy in their lives? No no wait. Scratch that. How am I associated with so many people who feel the need to make me unhappy with how miserable their lives are? Stop it. Maybe if you pried yourself away from facebook for five seconds instead of posting about how lonely/hungry/sick/tired you are and do normal people things like talk to people/eat/see a doctor/sleep, maaaybe you would stop barraging the world with more misery.

Whew. That's out of my system. Happier posts to come.


  1. Welcome back and congrats on breaking the Facebook habit. Yes, your hair does look better too!!!!

  2. I just can't muster any interest in Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and all the other social networking stuff out there. It's simply lack of interest and...well, it just seems bizarre to have this need to be connected. I've seen some that judge their worth by their connectedness. Scary.

    But then, perhaps I'm just a stick in the mud.

  3. At one time I tied it into my blog. But I got tired of doing that. The only reason I have it now, is to keep tabs on the family...

  4. 6. The stalkery facebook user... they never update their own status, photos, etc so you sorta forget they're on your facebook until 3 months later you see them in person and they know EVERYTHING about your life. (Well, you did post on FB to start with... but somehow it seems more equal when they post the same amt as you.) My husband's boss does this. It's creepy y'all. I would un friend him but he might fire the hubs. Uh, this is way too long of a comment. sorry.

  5. I am not a facebook fan and have recently had the same kind of separation with Twitter.

  6. Welcome back!

    I'm with you on some people who share a bit too much. I'm also with you on the whole instant posting thing. I mean, if it's that grreat, concentrate on enjoying it. If you want to share great things with your friends, fine. But it can wait. When your partner proposes, the first thing in your mind shouldn't be, "OMG! I have to tell my online friends!" It should be something like, "OMG! Yes! I'm so happy!"

  7. The above list is exactly why I do not have a facebook account. If I ever feel like I am out of touch or missing out, I will refer back to this post and laugh. So happy to have you back!

  8. I used to love facebook. LOVE it. treated it like a mini blog with funny-to-me-at-least musings/links/thoughts/updates. Now? It's just really boring and I see that most of the people I know are not that interesting.


  9. I haven't figured out this Facebook thing but there are a lot of whiny bitches everywhere. I bet know how all the #4's vote too.

  10. I cannot understand the FaceBook thing either. Somehow it makes no sense to me that one would think one is 'connected' socially when they post one or two sentences, and possibly a boat-load of photos. The alledged conversations of this type amount to a rash of disjointed remarks and I fail to see how this is 'connecting' anyone. Hmmm.

  11. the hello/goodbye people are the worst. i don't see them as often on fb as on twitter, but they still annoy the hell out of me. and the games? awful. i don't give a shit about your stupid game, stop inviting me to play them. and i hate it when people invite me to like 10 different games! i didn't take you up on the first nine, what the hell makes you think i'll go for this one?!

  12. I'm glad that you and your computer are better.

    I think the group I fall into is the "apathetic/lazy facebooker." I have an account, and apparently tons of friends, but I've only logged in once or twice over the past 4 months. People send me messages and friend requests and it takes me months to summon enough energy to visit the site and reply.

  13. @Bossy Betty: Why, thank you!

    @Jerry: I don't think you're a stick in the mud at all! Now that facebook has shown it's true self to me, I feel that you are truly enlightened....and dare I say it? Ahead of your time in NOT using facebook!

    @Pat Tillet: Hahaha! I do agree that secretive stalking is one of the top reasons to keep facebook around!

    @Erin: Oh, I love your comment! I wish to officially add this as a part of my blog!

    @DG: Funny thing is, I never used twitter. I heard a really funny Lewis Black sketch about twitter the other day and it reinforced my decision!

    @Toriz: Yes! That's exactly how I feel! Like, ummmm...shouldn't you and your minutes-new fiancee be going to get nekkid somewhere in celebration instead of FACEBOOKING it?!? What has the world come to, where technological bragging is more of an reflexive instinct than sex?

    @Chicken: Thanks! I'm kinda wishing I never started facebook....although like I said in the comments before it is good for stalking people...muhahahahaaaa!

    @No One: Facebook has shown me that most of the people I know are either supremely boring, unhappy, or completely full of themselves.
    However, out of that there are those people that have hilarious short status updates, but those are few and far between.

    @Jordan: Did I ever tell you the story about how Chris and I wanted to see if we could get 'lube my orifii' on those personalized M&M's? We thought there would be two options, either we would get these ridiculous M&Ms or we would get an AWESOME letter from M&M stating that our request was denied. We got the M&Ms which leads me to believe there are some flaws in the way they screen their requests.

    @Southern Sage: This is true! Whiny bitches surround me! Good thing you haven't figured out facebook. Then you find out that people you know and love are secret online whiny bitches. Not fun.

    @Entre Nous: Connection without connection. It's a new generation of pretending to care!

    @Another David: You can block the games! It was a revelation when I figured it out!

    @Amber: Thanks! I might put you under the category of the peer pressure facebooker? :) Only got a site because people hounded you incessantly about being on facebook? I'll bet you those are the same exact people that whine about you not responding to you on facebook even though they see you face to face on a regular basis. Yep. Those people. They are the horrible horrible spawn of facebook.


  14. Erin,
    I love this post! In fact, I just love your blog! The way you write is so unexpected and entertaining. I look forward to reading future posts!
    P.S.I have a niece-in law with 20 month old twins who will always let you know via good ol' facebook when/if the twins are asleep/pooped/peed/crying/smiling etc etc. Really? My question is how the hell do you squeeze in that kind of facebook relationship when you are taking care of TWINS? Goood Grief!