Monday, April 12, 2010

Don't Drink the Kool Aid....

I awoke with a start to this woman on my TV.



Her cloyingly soft and lilting voice was speaking to me about the avian flu, and how I could prevent it by bringing Jesus Christ into my heart. Or something. I'm half awake.

Since I have been blessed with the miracle that is a DVR (thank you Jesus!) I was able to rewind the part where she stared deep into my soul and informed me that if I pray a certain prayer I'll be forgiven for EVERYTHING! "Drugs, alcohol, promiscuity as far as sex is concerned!"

What other kind of promiscuity is there lady?! And how does this woman know what I need to be forgiven for? Creepy.

To tell the truth, for the first few minutes I thought I had fallen asleep to Adult Swim, and this was some new comic sketch segue. I mean, come on people. The womans name is REXELLA VAN IMPE!

It's all the more facinating because this shit is for real.

More on this tomorrow. Unless I've been saved by Christ.

According to Rexella salvation only costs $24.95.

25 comments:

  1. Oh no! My Grandpa's second wife is totally into this. I was forced to watch certain episodes. It was all a little too much.

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  2. I love how they only charge $24.95 for the saving of my soul and not $25. Like the nickle difference between salvation and damnation would make me think I was getting saved AND getting a bargain at the same time. I feel like phoning her up and asking how much salvation can I get for 12 bucks.

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  3. I love it when you're watching a show and you think it's a comedy sketch and actually it's a serious show.

    Rexella, what a name. Sounds like a dinosaur with a pink bow on its head.

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  4. There are some advantages then to living in a land where we only have 6 free to air TV channels nationwide. No televangelism. Yay! Finally a reason to live at the back end of the earth!

    Imagine watching that drunk? Scary...

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  5. Loooove late night television evangelists. Them and infomercials. Best stuff on TV, really.

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  6. There is bacon promiscuity...when you will do whatever you have to do to get bacon in your belly and you will basically consume anything that has bacon listed as an ingredient, and also you try to bribe other people with bacon. I'll bet that's what she's talking about.

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  7. $24.95 huh???

    Holy fucking shit! Sign me the fuck up bitch!!!

    I wonder how many times over they'd have to 'SAVE' me to be forgiven for all the shit I've done????? HaHa!!!

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  8. Ugh, this is why I never fall asleep in front of the tv, because when I wake up and there is some weird crazy person one there talking about stuff like that, I feel like I'm in one of those drug movies, or waking up in a nightmare. Ok, I'm pretty melodramatic, but yeah, it really freaks me out :)

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  9. Dude that sounds like a good deal. I mean, $25 to save your soul - can't beat that price anywhere.

    I'd jump on it if I were you.

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  10. that woman's mouth totally looks like my anus

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  11. @Kris: Oh no! I'm so sorry! I can imagine that being forced to watch with an air of seriousness is not fun at all. Discovering it upon waking...that's totally another story.

    @CCCOC: Tell you what. I'll totally save your soul for 12 bucks! I take certified check or money orders only. No matter how Godly I am, I don't trust checks.

    @Shinxy: Hahaha! I was trying to figure out what exactly she was underneath that horrific wig and 80 lbs of makeup! I was hedging my bets for mind-control alien, but dinosaur might be more accurate.

    @QIMP: Australia. Oh so lucky. You maaaay just wanna watch one episode on YouTube drunk though. Televangelists have the potential to be quite entertaining. Super bonus: Getting to yell/throw things at the screen.

    @Another David: Infomercials are amazing! I forgot about the endless delight of QVC. I used to like it better when they didn't put up the prices right away and play 'Price Is Right' style games with my cousins. More screaming at the TV...

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  12. @TCC: I saw that post on my iPhone at work and snorted so loud the person in the next office came to see if I was okay. I LOVE BACON. Guess that means I'm going to hell.

    @Crazy Brunette: Just once according to the holy Rexella! Only for alcohol, drugs and promiscuity though. Not sure if it covers anything else. I'm a little foggy on the details.

    @Jessi B: Sadly I have this problem now where I can't do anything but fall asleep in front of the TV. I don't have a TV in my room, and my couch is oh-so-comfy....but certain TV shows working their way into my dreams is always fun. I dreamt once that I was sitting at the diner with the Seinfeld crew. Awesome dream. Come to think of it I'm totally just trying to replicate that moment of neurotic glory by falling asleep, on my couch every night with the TV blaring.

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  13. @Lily: Generally I like to have something concrete for my money. Everlasting forgiveness is a bit less tangible than a Barack Obama Chia Pet. Although it might be more useful.

    @WTTA: As long as your not promiscious with the 'dancers', I think you'll be okay. Stay away from the champagne room.

    @Jordan: I didn't know you applied bubble gum pink lipstick to your ole brown eye. I don't think Rexella would approve.

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  14. I'd take promiscuity over salvation. A party pack of condoms costs less than $24.95 and well....just think of all the fun you can have.
    Salvation might be forever but a marathon session of sex is a pretty good alternative in my book.

    And as a side note, I think any chick named Rexella could be pretty wild in the sack. I mean hell, look what she's doing with her lips. Horny temptress.

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  15. hahaha brilliant post
    in reply to your kurt cobain comment...i feel that joe anderson (check him out) is absolutely perfect too
    great blog!

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  16. Do you think Tiger Woods could have used this deal? Seems easier than rehab. Although, if one was a multiple promiscuous person do they then have to buy salvation more than once?

    They may have a buy five and get one free kind of deal.

    What if I was just a bit naughty (ate my son's Easter Egg etc.)? Do they do cheap deals?

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  17. THE HELL? These televangelists are crazy creepy. I guess you're SOL with the "other" kind of promiscuity.

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  18. I would pay $24.95, however wonder how much extra for the hairdo.

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  19. You WOKE UP to this? How terrifying! And isn't it us Catholics that are supposed to be selling salvation for cash? Oh, how Martin Luther would be turning in his grave. The really sad thing is my boyfriend's mom is ALL about the televangelists and 700 club and all that and his father (they are separated) thinks it's absolute garbage. His father's occupation? Pastor!

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  20. @Barry: I guess she did say being promiscuous, not sex in general. I wonder how many people one would have to sleep with in order to be considered promiscuous....who am I fooling, I've definitely exceeded the limit.

    @adelaide: Thanks! And, basically anyone but vampire boy would be awesome in my book!

    @LAHT: Are you planning on squandering your salvation as soon as you purchase a package? In that case, I think the cost may be raised exponentially each time you have to re-up your soul. Also, I think the Easter Egg thing is theft and may not be covered by Rexella's salvation promises. That's between you and your son. And know that in all likelihood he's gonna choose your nursing home in your old age, so I'd be nice to him if I were you.

    @Amanda: Yeah, no chance of being forgiven for my bacon promiscuity. Very sad. Going to hell because of my love for fatty pig (that's what she said?).

    @Kristen: You'd have to pay me $24.95 to wear that rug on my head. However, I think Rexella may have paid an teeny bit more.

    @Li: These people are supposed to be Catholic! As a 'raised Catholic' (what I believe to be a seperate religion) these people kind of insult me with their pandering. Televangelists AND Catholic, maybe that can bring your boyfriends parents back together again?? Sorry, I know that's ridiculous....

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  21. So what by her definition is 'promiscuous', eating too many chocolate bars?

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  22. What? You mean I can be saved for only $24.95? What a deal. Thanks for cluing me in.

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  23. @Barry: I think she said 'promiscuous as far as sex is concerned'. So, she left the door open for all sorts of other stuff there. Including bacon promiscuity which was brought to my attention by the Chicken's Consigliere.

    @Jerry: You should totally do it! Let me know what they send you! However, I would have one last big fling before you do. You wouldn't want to have to spend another $24.95.

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  24. Mrs. Van Impe isn't selling salvation. She and her husband graciously offer it free in Jesus Christ to all who are sincerely repentant. Yes, they do sell videos in order to make money to stay on the air and earn a living, which they deserve for the work they do. But, they are not selling salvation. Jesus says in Revelation 3:20, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." God bless you all.

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