Thursday, April 8, 2010

It Shocks and Boils...

I danced into my door two days ago, my poor bladder a victim of a new commute and unexpected traffic.

I sat down to...ya my business. Then I stretched my arm behind me to retrieve a couple squares.


Gaaahhh!!! I got shocked with my pants down! And not in a good way. Most definitely not in a good way.

What the fuck TP dispenser?! What did I ever do to you? Fucking ouch! It felt like I had inserted my finger into a live electrical socket (and yes, I have done that before). At the most vulnerable of places, I was caught with some now-frizzy hair and an intense fear of an inanimate object with which I now needed to coexist peacefully and interact with on a quite regular basis.

I tentatively tapped the dispenser again, because I'm a daredevil like that.

Nothing. Untrusting fingertips met cool metal.





So I went about my day. Convinced myself that it was nothing. Perchance it was a bit of static electricity or a fluke brought about by a smidge too much road rage. I was solid in my convictions until my boyfriend called me at work the next day.

Chris: "Whatever you do, do NOT touch the dispenser in the bathroom."
Me: "Oh! Yeah! Did I tell you it bit me last night?"
Chris: "What are you rambling about woman? There are 500 volts of electricity running through that shit and if you touch it while standing in water you. will. die."

Can you imagine if Chris had come home and found me lying unconscious, pale as a ghost, drool pooled on the tile below the porcelain throne? What the hell would have gone through his mind?! Probably something along the lines of "Oh, shit, I guess she was a cocaine fiend all along" or "Was she eating a peanut butter sandwich?".

We had contractors in the house sheet rocking our ceiling and for some reason I have yet to ascertain they hooked up a shock-detecto-meter (I think that's the technical term) to the little, seemingly innocuous TP dispenser. They must've been in for a surprise when the needle frantically jumped like a shellacked Kardashian to the papparazzo. Apparently the dumbass who had installed the thing had ratcheted in a metal screw directly into a highly charged electrical wire. How this mystery person did not shock himself into oblivion is beyond my scope of comprehension.

Chris took some of our leftover bubble wrap and cushioned the offending bathroom appliance from stupid hands and the ever curious Wall-dog nose. Today, an electrican came, and COULDN'T FIND WHERE THE WIRE GOES TO!!!

Ah, new house. Methinks you are going to be a troublemaker.

Extra Bathroom Mishap Bonus!!!
My lovely cousin just moved into a renovated house in which the brilliant plumber hooked up the hot water to her guest toilet. This resulted in a toilet bowl full of a roiling, boiling, steamy mess. I'd like to think that the plumber was not so much a bloody moron as he was an avid fan of pasta.


  1. Holy crap! Makes you wonder if those contractors have ANY idea what they're doing or if it's mostly guesswork.

  2. That's kind of scary. I dunno if I would have touched it again, you are a daredevil. I hate it when inanimate object attack/bite me.

  3. I totally would have touched it again dispensers are NOT supposed to be electrified. I wouldn't believe it. I'm glad you discovered the problem. Geez. Life is sure random.

  4. Ok, that's just weird. Was it the first time it happened? Completely random!

  5. I'm really sorry you got zapped but I hear afro hair is really "in" right now. Think of what you'll save at the hairdresser if you can just get up the guts to touch this thing once every few days.

    Plus this was the funniest thing I have read all week.

  6. Electric Piss...that would be a great band name, and I am now strongly considering this...yikes, that had to be a jolt... I am now irrationally fearful that the same could happen in my bathroom, because, you know, electric current traveling up my piss stream to be junk just quite frankly sounds like bad news!!

  7. Wow, I screwed a sentence up there...I think I was being slowly electrocuted as I was typing that out...instead of "stream to be junk", I meant "stream to THE junk"...and you wouldn't believe how much trouble I just had typing this! I am a fucking retard today!

  8. There must be someone you can sue over this...not that I'm a litigious person, but jeez. You could have DIED!

  9. LOL! I had another friend who just moved into a new house where the toilet was hooked up to the hot water. I don't understand... isn't that something you notice as a plumber??

  10. Aside from the obvious waste of energy, I think it would be kind of nice to have hot water in my toilet. Think of how refreshing it would be to never have to worry about your toilet seat being too cold on a Winter's morning! A cozy little steam bath for your booty. :)

  11. And now we know why pubic hair is curly. If you have any. That is really none of my business and I can't believe you brought it up.

  12. Oh my gosh this is the funniest thing ever! That would NOT be the lady like way to leave this world. Just ask Elvis.

  13. Oh my gosh! That is so crappy that they did that, but it really did make for a funny story! I'm glad you didn't kick the bucket while sitting on the can :)

  14. Hi there, I saw your link at "a mainland streel" and thought I'd take a chance. I'm glad I did.
    If you don't mind, I'm going to tag along.

  15. Oh my word, that is hilarious! I can't imagine a worse place for electrocution to happen, unless you were standing in water at the time.

    I'm glad you guys figured out what happened before anyone was hurt!

  16. @MES: I strongly believe that they're under the 'All I Need to Know I Learned In Kindergarden' model of thinking, and play eeiny-meeiny-miney-mo to make all important decisions.

    @Holly Renee: It's even worse when the objects have teeth! Knives and any blades of any sort also seem to have a taste for my oh so vulnerable and unsuspecting flesh.

    @TCC: I'm also discovering that life likes to jump up and remind me that it's random a LOT. Like I'm going about my merry way, and all of a sudden, "Gasp! Hello life! Yes, that's a death trap toilet paper dispenser, or yes there's a monkey playing the piano on the street...."

    @Amanda: Shamefully it had happened before when the previous tenant lived here, but since she wasn't paying rent there was a hold on any sort of repairs....many things here were literally falling apart when we moved in.

    @QIMP: That's so true about tbe 'fro'! I could be rockin it for free if the electrician set the thing back up! styling but potential death....isn't this a question that a lotta women ask themselves every day?? Like back in the day when ingesting rat poison to maintain a pasty complexion was in vogue?

  17. @OM: *raises hand* will be first to see that band, just based on the superb name. Also, I never really thought that urine would be involved in my eventual downfall, or that my lady bits would ever be electrocuted. I suppose there's still time for the unexpected...

    @TB: I don't think there's anyone we can sue, because my boyfriends family owns the house. Ah well, win some lose some. The boil-a-toilet thing...I think my booty skin is a little too vulnerable for frequent steam baths. I truly do not bring the booty out in public enough. Perhaps I should introduce it to the world out there?

    @AD: I would hope a plumber would notice that! Although, I do thjnk they might be too busy thinking about the myriad of alterations they must have to make to their pants to showcase the obligatory plumber crack.

    @WTTA: I'm inappropriate in all sorts of situations. TMI alert: the bush has now been shocked straight!

    @miss.chief: Hell yeah it is!

  18. @Chicken: I know! The only worse way to go would be the Mama Cass/ham sandwich way. Although I do secretly hope that the King is still in the proverbial 'building'.

    @Jessi B: Thanks! Me too!

    @Pat Tillet: I'm glad you're here! Greetings! I wish I could offer a cushy armchair and a cup of good coffee, but just know that I am mentally extending them to you in a spiritual welcome!

    @MS: Me too! Thanks! I'm totally glad that we didn't have a leak or something in addition to all of our other fix-it issues.