Thursday, March 18, 2010

Snippets of Life at the Methadone Clinic: Coffee, Frankenberry and Jail TIme

Scene One:

I come in to work this morning and there is a message on my voice mail from a client that has just been recently released from jail. I call her back immediately. thinking that she is going to be upset and frantic because she had been arrested in the middle of an important phase of treatment.

Me: "Hey lady! I got your message. How you holding up?"
'Lady'*: "I got bailed out this morning. I'm looking to get into this other program now, but I wanted to touch base with you."
Me(slightly baffled at Lady's chipper tone of voice): "Oh, okay? you need any numbers?"
Lady: "Yeah, maybe one for a detox. They kept me on my medication in jail, and I loved that they had coffee. It was fun."
Me(fighting the urge to ask if Lady is, at this moment, high): "Fun, hmm?"
Lady: "Well, you know, not fun fun, but coffee always makes everything better."

Damn. She had me there. Personally I've never been to jail so I have no clue. I have however consumed copious amounts of coffee, so I do know that it has the amazing ability to make the world shine brighter.

However, I really couldnt tell you how much coffee I would have to consume to make it 'fun' to wear an orange jumpsuit or take a shit in a miniature room full of other people. Probably enough to make me hallucinate an alternate reality where those things weren't happening.

Scene Two:

After my 'Lucky Charms' themed post yesterday, it was only fitting that childrens cereal came to find me again today.

My co-worker Deb came into my office and we started talking about one of our supervisors in the clinic. Now, let me explain for one second. My supervisor is a fabulously calm, kind, centered and positive thinking man. He also happens to be bald, has very large moony eyes and a crooked smile.

Deb told me that the clients were referring to our supervisor as 'Frankenberry'. She made me look it up on Google.

Can you imagine Frankenberry helping you through a bad trip? Interacting with him when you had a hangover? Bringing your mom to hash through the countless times you stole a C-Note from her purse to go cop in New York City? I would never look at cereal the same again.

*Names and identifying features of my clients will ALWAYS be changed to protect anonymity. For all you people know, this could be a tranny granny from Cincinatti.


  1. Hilarious. I've never come across someone who works at a methadone clinic... I can only imagine. Did you ever find out whether or not that lady was using again?

    Oh, and I have spent a couple hours in jail and there is absolutely nothing -- no amount of coffee or LSD -- to make the experience more pleasant and I was so drunk I asked one of the officers if we'd made out before.

  2. Isn't it really hard to work there sometimes? I have a hard time when I know what's best for someone and they don't follow my advice, so I'm sure it's a lot worse when the situation is actual a life and death one. Also, I used to work in a job where I interviewed serious and dangerous offenders in prison, and it made me really sad, more than anything.

    I wish I could eat some Frankenberries or Lucky Charms. Unfortunately, being that I have a 2 1/2 year old kid, I cannot buy that crap or there will be no going back. Sucks.

  3. Well she should get bonus points for the positive attitude.

  4. That's hilarious. And I kinda agree with her that coffee does make stuff better; though I'm not sure if it's enough to make me happy about jail. At least she's trying to stay on track!!!

  5. Holy hell, your job is about a million times more interesting than mine! And I agree, Frankenberry is probably the last person I'd want to see while high.