Thursday, March 25, 2010

It's A Good Day For Imaginary Birthday Gifts

Today was a good day in Rainey-land.

First, I got an award! From one of the true loves of my life, Jordan at Now If You'll Just Turn Your Kaleidoscope... Thanks FACE! More to come on this award in a later post. It comes with rules and such!

Secondly, I snuck out of work a half hour early. (Actually, revise that. I blatantly left. There's really no such thing as a 'break' when you work at a methadone clinic, I gotta take em where I can get em.) No matter. There is nothing like the deliciously naughty feeling of leaving work before your shift is over, and peeking at the clock an hour later to realize that you would just be getting home NOW. I had time to get a milkshake, moving boxes and take the Wall-dog out on a walk all before I would have been expected home. How's that for productivity?

Thirdly relates to firstly. Today is Jordan's birthday! Yay! I am realizing that she didn't write about this on her blog and possibly does not anyone to know that it is her birthday in bloggerville, but too bad. I thought of this post a week ago and I'm not letting it go to waste.

Without further adieu:
Birthday Presents I Would Totally Get You If I Was ______

1) If I Was...overly practical. Socks. Obviously. Or a million phone chargers for when your cat gnaws the ones you have to shreds.

2) If I Was...impractical and really really wealthy. I would install a helipad in your apartment complex for your non-existent helicopter. Preferably with an added impracticality bonus of a tennis court, because you don't play tennis.



3) If I Was...super unique and capable of doing illegal (but great) things. I would legally change your first name to a (kinda) phonetic spelling: Uh-mand-uh. Uhmanduh. Alternative pronounciation 'Hoooo-Manh-Dooo-Ahhhh'.

4) If I Was...capable of kidnapping someone with six pack abs and diesel arms then carting his beautiful body half way across the world:



5) If I Was...drunkenly stumbling through the streets of Niagara Falls. I would bestow upon you a bucket o' drunk. Oh, wait. We've done that.

6) If I Was...someone with a dissociative idenity disorder. Well, I would imagine that would probably go something like this:

Me: "Meh. It's a birthday again. Meh. I don't know what to do."
Me: "I'm gonna get her a Snuggie! She'll looooovveee a Snuggie! It's so waaarm and comfortable and snuggly and warm and....!"
Me: "SHUT UP MOTHERFUCKERS! I AM THE BEST! I KNOW WHAT TO DO!"
Me: "I wanna get an elephant! But not for her, for me."

Clearly nothing would ever get done if I had multiple personalities.

Happy Birthday my FACE!

14 comments:

  1. Oh, so THAT'S why she was drinking tequila so early on a weekday! It all makes sense now. :)

    I made up an award and gave one to you, so head over to my blog to retrieve it. It's super-duper awesome. Seriously.

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  2. Thanks for sharing that yummy picture of Josh Holloway. Now I can end my day in peace.

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  3. Your disassociative personality disorder remark cracked me up.
    Me too.
    Me too.

    Thanks for wishing all of me a happy blogiversary Rainey, and for your kind words! ♥

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  4. Wow..I wish you were my friend...with gifts and a glowing post like that.

    What a nice thing to do for Uh-Man-Duh.

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  5. Yay! I am getting famouser! I love you FACE!

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  6. Rainey, congrats on the award! I want to hear more about your disorder. I'm going to be laughing all day. Happy Birthday Jordan. I think a good Haiku makes a nice present: Ahem...
    It's Jordan's Birthday
    It might rain elephants
    Or perhaps men
    In snugglies

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  7. @TB: Thanks for such a bright award! Am I allowed to proudly display it before complying with the terms of acceptance? I can't wait!! Acceptance post coming soon.

    @Living Shallow, Living Well: Some magical things started happening to my womanly bits when I found that picture, so I knew it was the right one. The one time my womanly bits don't get me into trouble....

    @Barry: Thanks! And Thanks to you too! And you too!

    @Quilting in my Pyjamas: We can be friends too! If I Were...In Australia and a daredevil I would take you out hangliding!

    @Chicken's Consigliere: I love the haiku! Josh Holloway presenting someone with a Snuggie might be the very best present in the world. Especially if he arrived on an elephant.

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  8. My very first birthday haiku! Thank you Chicken! You are awesome and we should all be friends!

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  9. I LOVE sneaking out of work early. Even if it's just a half hour, it's amazing to me. If I can get home before rush hour it really makes my day.

    Happy Birthday Jordan :)

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  10. Remind me to totally invite you to my next birthday party!!

    PS - Many French people I know believe in UFO's, that the world is ending in 2012 and that it won't be aliens coming to save us, but Michael Jackson. They are convinced that MJ faked his death and is hanging with Elvis somewhere. Do you subscribe to this theory as well?

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  11. I once bought an elephant stuffed animal for my dad for his birthday. I was nine, and I am pretty sure it was for me. Oh well.

    I hope that helipad/tennis court comes to fruition for you someday :)

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  12. Wow! I need to figure out how to get you to buy me a birthday present!

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